dating games

We just got back from dropping our kids off at college where it looks like they may both have a mostly “normal” year, including in person classes, sports and parties.  In anticipation of them starting school, I began thinking about imparting some of my valuable college dating advice. I considered writing it down and giving my daughter a letter so she could absorb my wisdom on her own time and appreciate my efforts.  Quickly, I realized that there was little to no chance that the advice would be taken as intended or even considered valuable. I know things have changed considerably since college but I just can’t resist passing on a few dating guidelines to anyone under 25 who might read this post.

These words of wisdom are meant to help improve your “picker” – the part of you that chooses who to bet on for the rest of your life.  Selecting a life partner is the most important decision you will make and it often doesn’t get discussed. College is the perfect time to practice choosing people to date and then reflecting on what was good and bad about that choice. It is absolutely a skill and, although some people are born with great pickers, most of us need to practice picking our mates.

In economics, we talk a lot about trade-offs – what you give up to get something – and this concept applies perfectly to dating. When you choose Person A, you give up the opportunity to date Person B or C. Be real about trade-offs you are making. If you choose someone who doesn’t have a ton of personality but is great looking, you just need to be honest about what you choose.  If you decide to date one person for several years, you give up the opportunity to date other people during that time – that is a trade-off.  Before I jump into a whole discussion of supply and demand (also relevant to dating), here are a few dating tips that my friends and I believe are very important for those looking to have meaningful relationships during college. Please note that none of this advice applies to hook-ups.

friends

This first piece of advice comes from a very close friend who I know wishes she had thought of this before she got engaged (and eventually divorced): 

Be sure to get to know the friends of the person you are dating and consider whether you like them or not. You could potentially be spending a lot of time with these new people and that would be tough if you don’t enjoy them. Also, take time to notice how your significant other treats you in front of their friends.  Do they act one way when alone with you and then take on an entirely new personality in front of their friends? If you find yourself at a tailgate and barely recognize the person you are dating because they are suddenly loud and obnoxious when normally reserved, take note.  Please also pay attention to whether your love interest has lots of friends or very few friends and how they know them. If you never meet any of their friends, they probably don’t have any. If all of their friends are the opposite sex, that could be difficult to manage. 

the airport

This second piece of dating advice comes directly from me and I think it is very solid and stands the test of time.

It is my strong opinion that there is a lot to be learned from someone’s behavior at the airport.Traveling is stressful and people manage that stress very differently.  Some people have to get to the airport very early and have a strict routine for purchasing food and drinks once they get through security. Others have rigid policies about luggage (carry-on only), seating (aisle or window preferred) and lining up for boarding (first on or last on the plane). Some feel compelled to push the limits and see how late they can arrive and still make the flight. Others try to bypass checking luggage even though they know their piece is too large for an overhead compartment. A lot of us fall squarely in the middle and just try to get there an hour before a domestic flight and don’t worry so much about missing flights.

When you are dating someone and you travel together, you are compelled to negotiate your airport management styles and possibly compromise your own to keep the peace. If the two of you can’t agree on an approach because you or your significant other are unwilling to compromise, then consider this an indication of how future arguments about money, careers and kids will go. Is this an aggressive conversation or is it a productive, problem-solving interaction?

Another small note would be to look at the packing process. If they want to share luggage, frequently overpack because it’s easier than making decisions about what to wear ahead of time or want to stow items in your carry-on, this is definitely something that will persist as long as you know them (see: Heavy Competition.)

a good stretch shouldn’t be notable

This excellent advice comes from a high school friend who really should be the co-author of all my posts but tells me that she is not a writer. So, I’m forced to text her questions and copy and paste her answers.

If you’re in a relationship where you have the thought, “we had a good day” or “it’s been a good week for us,” then it’s not a good relationship. Period. End of story. 

Every lasting relationship starts out with a solid three months of bliss.  After that, things get a little more real. You start considering doing some things separately, having your own life again and not agreeing on everything. You start to understand each other’s strengths and weaknesses and learn how to talk about real topics. This phase is where you might find out that your new love is jealous, has an addiction, lies about big things, lies about little things, is unkind to their family members or has any number of not so attractive traits. 

If you find yourself in a relationship that has lasted more than three months and you are frequently stressed or upset by their behavior, run for the hills. You are in college, dating should be mostly fun and, most importantly, you are not married. Take it from somebody who wasted their entire senior year in a relationship that had mostly bad days, weeks and months – move on and don’t look back!

time is your friend

One of my college friends claims she only dated one person in college (although it seemed like more to me) and her main piece of advice was “don’t date.” I think she has a point but it is a softer version of what she originally intended.

Few of us find our soulmates during college. Yes, I know a few couples who met in college and have happily stayed together since then but they are the minority. If you happen to find your perfect person in college, that’s great! Most people don’t until they are out of college, working and mostly supporting themselves financially. 

When dating in college, just remember that you have all the time in the world to find your person. Use your college years to date as many people as possible and sharpen your picker skills. I know people who went to college and promised themselves they would never have a serious relationship with anyone – and other people who felt that they needed to meet their future spouse and lock things up before graduation. Obviously, there is no one right strategy but this wise group of 80’s women thinks that it is better to have a bunch of experiences that help you learn as much about yourself as possible (plus you will have great stories to tell your kids!)

a quick note about break-ups

Break ups take too long. If you are thinking about breaking up that means you are about six months from actually breaking up. If you are considering moving on from your relationship in the fall, it must be done before Thanksgiving. Otherwise, you will likely feel like it is too close to the holidays to deliver bad news and maybe you will be deterred by not wanting to make alternative New Years Eve plans. If you are dating in January, keep in mind that you will need to break up by February 1 to avoid a Valentine’s Day massacre (I was broken up with by phone on February 14.)