usta tennis, episode 1

I have been playing USTA tennis for about 10 years which means I’ve got about 20 stories related to adult womens’ “competitive” tennis that would each shock you. Some of these stories relate to women being overly competitive, some of them relate to bodily functions and a lot of them are born out of general social cluelessness.

About a month ago, I showed up at my club to play a mixed doubles match against a team from a nearby tennis club. Mixed doubles is typically the most low key of all the USTA seasons because men don’t take it as seriously as women and the results don’t affect anyones’ rating (and ratings are very important to USTA players.) I recognized our female opponent. I had played on a team with her many years ago and drove her home from a match and then we played socially one other time.

I distinctly remember her because when we played socially at her club, she wore the most creative sun protection I had ever seen. She had on a tennis skirt, a long sleeve shirt, sunglasses and a ton of sunscreen – all of which is pretty standard stuff. The advanced move was a DISH TOWEL she put on the top of her head which she secured with a visor. And, she played the entire match like that. Anytime there is a discussion of people wearing odd stuff while playing tennis, I bring up the dish towel and people are taken aback.

So, fast forward back to August 2019. Here is the lady that I remember wearing the dish towel. Tonight, she is wearing less sun protection because the court is in the shade but she is wearing a bandaid on her upper lip and, I later learned, that it is part of her regular protocol. I approach her on the court, introduce myself and remind her that we had played together several years ago. Then, she says, “Oh! I remember you. You have lost a TON of weight. Wow. You look great!”

Guess what? I have not lost a ton of weight. I’m very much the same weight I was when she wore the dish towel on her head. So, what do you say to that comment? I reacted quickly with, “Actually, no big weight loss here. I look pretty much the same.” But I should have said, “Thanks for noticing! I was runner-up on The Biggest Loser in 2016 and I’ve kept all the weight off!” Or, “Yeah, I just got out of a 30-day stint in a federal prison for a white collar crime.”