jane for president

As I closely watch the race for the Democratic Presidential nomination, I am struck by the popularity of the 4 septuagenarians: Sanders, Biden, Warren and Bloomberg. All I can think about is that my mom, Jane, is in her 70’s and would be a better candidate than any of these four.  If the Democratic party is going to put a 70+ year old candidate up against Trump, the best person for the job is Jane and I’ll tell you why.

She works out everyday, all day.  I’m not exaggerating.  My Mom has struggled to figure out which class package to purchase at Barry’s Bootcamp because if she goes more than 28 days a month, it’s worth it to get the “unlimited class” package.  She was “Inspirational Person of the Month” at the Sherman Oaks Barry’s. A normal day includes a 60 minute class at Barry’s, at least 30 minutes on the Stairmaster at home, 18 holes of golf and possibly 2 sets of singles on a hard court.  In the summer, the routine also includes about 45 minutes of lap swimming. I’d like to see any of the four 70 year olds attempt my mom’s routine for one day. Try to keep up. It can’t be done. Sure, taking on the most powerful role in the world would cause a disruption to her workout routine, but she can multitask while on the Stairmaster or in the golf cart.

She doesn’t need to eat. She can survive on 10 cups of coffee and 2 cookies per day.  Once again, these are all facts. As a candidate, or as POTUS, there is no need to slow down for meals.  Meals are generally a glorified snack and she mostly considers them a nuisance. Breakfast is coffee and two snickerdoodle cookies.  Lunch is very optional but always includes coffee and, at most, is either a handful of red grapes, half of a side salad or ½ cup of pretzels at the 10th hole of the golf course.  Dinner is her big meal. This is a salad with grilled chicken and dressing on the side – often fondly referred to as a “deconstructed caesar salad.” Coffee is really the centerpiece of her diet and is strongly preferred in a “to go” cup with a lid.  A few times I have seen her eat half a hamburger, scrambled eggs and maybe a piece of pizza. Think of how productive she could be by not having ceremonial meals or even sitting down to eat more than once a day. It’s almost inspiring.

She can be intimidating. She was a kick-ass Los Angeles County Assistant District Attorney for over 20 years.  She tried cases for the career criminal, major narcotics and sex crimes units. Playboy Magazine wrote a story about a case she prosecuted involving the Russian mafia, a prostitution ring and a murder.  The author described her as a “surfer girl gone Armani” and, although has never surfed nor worn an Armani suit, she loves and keeps the Playboy available in her family room. I believe this case became an episode of “Forensic Files.”   She was unphased when one of her violent defendants escaped from jail and was not located for over a week. Watch any episode of “Law & Order”, “CSI” or “Criminal Minds” with her and she can tell you why it wouldn’t happen they way they portray it on TV.  I would love to see her cross examine Trump. He would be putty in her hands.

She has her shit together. Unlike some of the other AARP-eligible candidates, her mind is sharp and quick.  She easily finishes the crossword puzzle everyday, in pen and without googling and has almost 500 bridge master points.  She can pack for a 10-day international vacation in a carry-on and she will mock you for not being able to do the same. She had a minor role in an unscripted video featuring Kim Kardashian and promoted it through her own social media (meaning I posted it for her on FB.) She can negotiate any deal as exhibited by the fact that she got me into kindergarten at age 4 by lying about my birthday – even though she worked at the school I attended.  She will convince you to do things you don’t want to do without you even realizing you are being manipulated (for reference, see my 6th grade graduation dress.) You don’t agree with her health care plan or immigrant policy? You will and you will like it.  

So, alert the media.  The decision has been made.  If the next president of the United States is going to be someone over 70 years old, then it will be my mom, Jane.  The only things we have to work out are that she is definitely not willing to move to Washington D.C. (too cold), change her bridge schedule (every Monday, Wednesday and Friday from 11a.m. to 2:30 p.m.) or wear wool, short sleeves or high heels for any reason.  There won’t be much pomp and circumstance and possibly even no State Dinners, but things will get done efficiently and there will be time to binge watch “Marvelous Mrs. Maisel” in the West Wing.