The date is set. My daughter will move into her college dorm on Wednesday, August 19. I have just seven short months to get prepared. If I’m being honest, I have been anticipating this departure for the last three years. My initial “empty nest” plan includes enjoying the freedom of limited parental responsibilities, having something to do that makes me feel productive besides tennis and working out and enjoying some spontaneous travel. The specifics have come into focus in the last six months, but I am still concerned about my new life.
I do have a life apart from my kids already, but the thought of my daughter going off to college has me very worried. I’m not exactly sure why, but she is my anchor to the life I have come to know for the last 20+ years. Right now, it seems like her departure will leave me unmoored. Even though my routines will continue and new endeavors are already in process, I am driving myself a little crazy thinking about how afternoons will feel particularly lonely with my husband at work and no expectation of a chatty teenager arriving home.
Now that the anxiety of college applications is behind us, the relief I feel about my daughter finding a fantastic school is being overwhelmed by a nervous voice inside my head that keeps repeating, “now what are you going to do with yourself?” I keep reminding myself that I am adapting to the new normal and am well prepared to launch into the next phase of my life. But, I am not entirely soothed.
This week, my friend Karen told me that her son called her from college and told her that he was worried about her. Calling from his freshman dorm room in Indiana, he wanted to make sure that she had “a reason to get out of bed” now that he was off at college. He even mentioned that his brother would be leaving in a short eighteen months and that she needed to have something to do before then. “Why does he think I have no purpose?” she said. And my nervous internal voice said, “See! There’s a good reason to be freaked out!”
Last week, I was on the phone with Liz and she said that she needs to figure out her next move by May 1. Like Karen, she has a son who is a college freshman and another who is a junior in high school. “I’m going crazy,” she told me, “I can’t go on just watching reality TV and taking edibles. I need something productive to do!” And the optimist in me said, “See! You are not alone! Other people are freaking out too!”
Last week, I dropped my entire internal dialogue on my friend Katie. I did a strong five minutes of detailed concerns along with explaining the supports I have already put into place. Here’s how I explained the rational optimistic voice in my head:
- People who are already empty-nesters say it is great. They love it.
- I already found a part time job, trained a second dog, am learning a new skill, trying out meditation and started this blog. I could be just busy enough to feel great.
- We have a lot of friends in the same boat. I can count at least eight really fun couples who live nearby who have their youngest child headed off to college this year.
But the anxious voice finished up the diatribe with the big question: What if I am terribly lonely, sad and lost?
Katie promised that we, as a group of new empty nesters, would make a plan. We will have standing plans for movies on Tuesdays, dinners on Wednesdays and hikes on Sundays. Her words were reassuring and I really want to believe that being busy will help me get used to my new normal.
I know a lot of you are going to read this and think I am really making myself crazy. My Mom (see “jane for president” below) will read this, hopefully laugh and then say, “Now you can workout and play tennis whenever you want! Start playing Bridge! There’s no problem here!” Actually, she doesn’t need to say that because I can hear her voice in my head most of the time.
Anyway, I am pretty sure that the anxious voice is gonna stick around through the fall months because my life is really changing and there are adjustments to come. I predict episodes of spontaneous, unprovoked crying and manic house cleaning and decluttering. Hopefully, I will resist the urge to send needy texts to my daughter, book last minute trips to see her or her brother or overwhelm my husband with mood swings or strange new hobbies.
9 responses to “lost in my own space”
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Beautifully expressed. You’re not crazy. This feeling of yours is justified. Motherhood is heartbreaking in that if you do it really well, you’ve prepared them to walk away from you. But they do come back to you. Still, it’s a hard period. You’ll get through it and find your footing as we all do.
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Meanwhile.. I’ve been heavily spiraling over my mom’s sudden retirement. Since my kids aren’t in college yet, I guess I’m the kid freaking out about my mom’s new existence. She retired to care for my father.. so now both of their lives are dropping in quality (in my opinion). I’m totally against retirement, so I see this as a disaster and a step closer to the end. I don’t know what empty nesting feels like (yet).. but from my view, your opportunities are endless. I don’t think you’ll want to vacation, meditate and play tennis endlessly. This blog is the gateway drug to your next big thing.
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It’s five years since I wrote this post and I am so glad that I wrote it. Who knew the world would turn upside down one month later? When the Covid lockdown started on March 15, 2020, all of the energy I was putting into feeling sad about losing my daughter was forgotten and instantly replaced by worry, fear and anxiety. I obsessed over what she was missing out on: second semester of senior year, prom, senior show, signing yearbooks and saying goodbye to her classmates. Then, I had many sleepless nights worrying that there would be no freshman year or no roommates or no in person classes or time spent in college without wearing a mask. As it turned out, she was lucky because her school navigated Covid protocols better than most – she had a roommate, lived in the dorms and had some in-person classes. She was quarantined for two weeks in a hotel in September of 2020 and was home (and bored) from Thanksgiving into early January but she got to be a college student.
I am proud to say that she graduated from Tulane last May – surviving not only Covid but a major hurricane at the beginning of her sophomore year. She moved to NYC last August, landed a job in September and has been adjusting to and enjoying post college life. We didn’t lose her when she left for college but my timer was set for four years and I want her back. My heart aches to spend time with her beyond holidays and vacations. Luckily, our experiments with living in NY and London have made me very comfortable with living in an apartment on the east coast (compared with the suburbs in Northern California) and we found a place to rent for a year. As of April 8, we are firmly bicoastal and able to see both kids – one in SF and one in NY – and it feels so good.
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