the year of the throuple

I’m calling it right now. 2020 is the year of the “throuple”! What’s a throuple? I am happy to tell you. Throuple is the convenient term for three partners in a polyamorous relationship. It could be three women, three men, two women and one man, two men and one woman or any combination of people identifying in various ways (fun fact: there are more than 60 ways to identify your gender in a Facebook profile). 

The first time I heard the term throuple was last fall while binging Schitt’s Creek on Netflix (“The Throuple,” season 3, episode 2). One of the male characters, David, is casually dating a guy, Jake. David then finds out that Jake is also dating his close friend, Stevie (a girl). When David accuses his sister of eating the icing off the top of his leftover birthday cake, his sister cleverly says, “You can share a boyfriend but you can’t share a piece of cake?” He replies, “…Stevie and I are both dating Jake, at the same time, like sexually evolved human beings.” David’s sister retorts, “…in my experience with throuples, there’s always a favorite.” 

So, there it was – a whole new relationship concept. I couldn’t believe that I had never heard of a throuple before this. I thought it was such a clever way to describe the uncomfortable situation of two people dating the same third person. I tried to add the word “throuple” to any conversation where it might fit in to show others that I was up to date and excited about a new idea. And then, a real life throuple fell into my lap and I realized that the concept is broader than I thought.

My family and I spent Thanksgiving away from home this year and were graciously hosted by a high school friend and his husband who live near my son’s college. The throuple we met consisted of three men, two of whom had been married for a long time and a third man who had joined their relationship about five years ago. I was bubbling over with questions about logistics and feelings, including:

• Do they each have their own bedroom or do they share one bedroom?
• Is there a set calendar for who is with whom and when?
• Are there feelings of jealousy? 
• Does each person feel equally valued? 

Unfortunately, I did not get to flesh out all of these topics during Thanksgiving dinner. Upon returning from the holiday weekend, I ended up telling a few people about meeting a three-person couple. My mom let me know that she already knew a throuple, as her bridge instructor is committed to a female-female-male relationship. Another friend mentioned that he knew of a five-person relationship – two couples and a trans woman – a concept that once again gave me pause as I just could not fathom how complicated that would be.

Last week, the throuple was thrust into the spotlight when a real-life throuple hit prime time television on HGTV’s House Hunters. The episode, “Three’s a Crowd in Denver,” featured a married couple with two kids who had added an additional woman to their relationship. They proudly referred to themselves as a throuple and were looking for a home that had a big enough master bedroom for all three of them, a three-car garage and, ideally, a master bath with three vanities. Also on their combined wish list were a view, an office, and a white kitchen, but those “must haves” took a backseat, as the show focused on each of them describing compromises they would make for each other.

While watching, I realized that the questions I had for our Thanksgiving throuple would not necessarily tell me how all three-person relationships work. For some, one bedroom is the norm and, for others, two or three bedrooms are required to make things go smoothly. As is true for most married couples, what is good for some is not always good for all. I still think that three people is inherently more complex than two and I am planning to watch from the sidelines as others experiment with this new format. 

From September to mid-February, I went from first hearing about a throuple, to meeting a throuple, to seeing one play out on a favorite HGTV series. Now it feels like I should have seen this coming. As people are being much more fluid about gender and sexual preferences, relationships with more than two people seems like a somewhat logical next step. I am really looking forward to seeing a Law & Order: SVU incorporate a throuple concept and would be overjoyed to have The Bachelor franchise put forth a throuple-themed spin-off.  

Cheers to the Year of the Throuple!