it’s the gift that counts

Next week is my 23^rd anniversary. A week ago, I spied a text from my husband to my daughter where he was fishing for ideas for anniversary gifts. That text made me realize how far we have come as a couple in terms of gift giving and how it is still such a precarious process.

Before we were married, I bought my husband two Adirondack chairs for the condo he had just purchased.  The condo had two, fantastic patios that looked towards downtown SF from Potrero Hill and I thought this was a completely thoughtful gift.  Now, several years later, my husband will tell you that these chairs are in the top 3 worst gifts I have ever given him.  I would guess that the other two worst gifts were a TRX and weight bench.  I get why he didn’t like the workout equipment.  There is an unintentional undertone to these gifts that he did not enjoy.

Of course, I have a similar list of worst gifts that he has given to me. Items number one and two on that list are a rubber mallet.  Yes, he has given me a rubber mallet as a holiday gift twice! Please note that I have no use for this handy tool and definitely not for two of them.  The gift was symbolic.  He meant it as a way to say, ”Go ahead with the house remodel I know you want to do.  I will support it and try to complain as little as possible.” That mallet made me feel like I do when I call American Express and they tell me I don’t have the authority to make changes to our account because I’m not the primary card holder.  I think you get it.

Number three on the worst gift list is a Hannukah menorah. As someone is very much not religious, this was definitely not on my wish list.  Plus, I already owned a menorah because I felt some obligation to expose my kids to at least a few basic traditions.  This one was particularly tough because my husband seemed like he had put some thought into it, and I was really hurting his feelings with my obvious, negative reaction. Both of my kids were with him when he made this purchase and have admitted that they exhibited obvious hesitation.

I think I have focused on trying to be a good gift giver because of vivid memories of my mom and stepfather’s epic gifting failures.  Early in their marriage, I believe there were a few earnest attempts from each of them to give thoughtful, creative gifts but the process quickly broke down.  Now, if my mom purchases something that is typically considered a household necessity, my stepfather will follow up that purchase with a card that includes, “enjoy the new —-!” The gift dysfunction has risen to the point that my mother has “received” a car (at the end of the lease of a previous car), washing machine and leaf blower.

Most of us have fantasies about being showered with gifts – surprised and overwhelmed by thoughtfulness and extravagance. I should say, most of my female friends have this fantasy.  I described to one of my close friends how I would love it if my husband would head to a few stores and pick out 3 outfits for me.  She looked at me and then said, “That is never going to happen.  And, if it did, you would hate those outfits!”  I know she is right but then I hear about other husbands who seem to have gift giving figured out.  Katie’s husband would buy her a designer bag once a year.  He would walk into a store in Union Square, solicit help from someone working in the designer handbag section and purchase something based on her advice. I think this is a can’t miss strategy. 

There are a few other strategies that boost the likelihood of a successful gift exchange. Some people just swing for the fences and go really big. These gift givers buy cars, European vacations, puppies, laptops/iPads and extravagant experiences.  Most likely they saw this tact demonstrated by a parent or grandparent and would rather spend more money that disappoint.  I don’t know how you could keep this up over 20+ years with holidays, birthdays and anniversaries requiring at least three or four gifts per year.  My husband did surprise me with a MINI Cooper as a birthday gift and it is definitely in my top three best gifts!

The other gift giving strategies I have seen are:

• Ask close friends for gift ideas or even have them purchase it for you.  For a while, a close friend of mine had her own jewelry business and my husband could just call her and have her pick out something, wrap it and drop it off.  This is how I received several top 10 gifts.
• Take a cue from what someone already owns or from what they like to do. If he has lots of awesome athletic shoes, get him athletic shoes or something to wear with the shoes. Tennis players and golfers always need new clothes or equipment. These are not exciting presents, but they are not losers. I have been very happy with the tennis clothes my husband has bought for me – so much so that I would like him to buy all of my tennis clothes.
• Take a huge risk and buy something that they may love, hate or not even understand. This is a tough one and requires the ability to return for a full refund no questions asked. Some examples in this category would be art, vintage items or specialty food subscriptions. As a cautionary tale, I bought my husband authentic, vintage college pennants from the two schools he graduated from and it fell flat.

• Finally, there are aspirational gifts.  I have to admit the weight bench and TRX would fall into this category. The gift is basically saying to your spouse, “Here is something I would like to see more of from you.” Gifts in this category include sports equipment, cooking classes,

After I noticed my husband’s text to my daughter about anniversary gift ideas, I told him that I had an alternative request this year. Instead of a tangible gift, I wanted him to write a response to this blog post.  I am a little nervous about what he is going to say but my guess is that he feels like gift giving “…is a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma…” (quote from Winston Churchill) and impossible to solve.