it’s the gift that counts – the husband’s response

(Note: This post is a response to the post below it. It may make sense to read “it’s the gift that counts” before reading “the husband’s response.”)

The readers of this blog will know me as an eternal pessimist, concerned first and foremost about how easily things can go wrong, and waiting for the other shoe to drop. I understand that it plays well, and am happy that it helps the author in her efforts to inform and amuse, even while I generally reject this characterization. But on the topic of gift giving in a marriage, I may have to play to my stereotype. Because it’s an absolute minefield, where even the most well intentioned can misstep into an explosion of disappointment, insult and misunderstanding. In many ways even this analogy fails, because while I imagine those who learn to navigate minefields find it easier with experience, gift giving with your spouse only gets more dangerous over time.

I’m relieved to understand from her latest installment of “Do I Have Chalk on My Face?” that after 23 years of marriage and over 26 years in a committed relationship, my wife (kinda) feels the same way. I had hints of this, but unsurprisingly, she’s better at the gift giving game than me so had never sensed she felt the same pressure as I have. At the same time, I can read between the lines here and understand the attempt to provide a roadmap for improved gift giving in the future. Many of her suggestions are practical and helpful and have been offered up to me before. I’ve used all of them, to varying success. But let’s be honest, none of them are going to be the panacea I want them to be. I’m fully resigned to the fact that for the next 50 years or so, despite my best efforts, I’m going to have a hit rate below 50% (note: per stereotype, the glass must always be at least half empty). That’s because there are some immutable laws of spousal gift giving which are aligned against my success:

The Well Runs Only So Deep:  I’m not surprised that my wife counts my many, many jewelry purchases from her friend’s business as among her favorites. Her friend has great taste and knows my wife’s style much better than I can ever hope to. These gifts had the added benefit of being super easy and very low risk. I text “help,” am presented with a couple of easy options, spend 30 seconds on Venmo and voila, I have a very safe gift that I know she’ll like. But therein lies the trap. Because I know she knows how easy that is. So while the necklace, bracelet, or (to tap another area I have mined deeply) tennis skirt may be great, the gift is discounted dramatically by the lack of required effort or imagination on my part. Too many trips back to the well and you will eventually find that the sense of appreciation you are trying to convey with the gift is lost. 

I will say my wife manages this law better than I do. Despite the fact that 80%+ of her gifts to me are clothes, she avoids repetition by constantly curating the gifts herself and “pushing” my fashion sense (note: 2020 is the year of work-appropriate athleisure). Let’s be real. There’s no way I’m going to successfully bring that kind of personal touch to a jewelry purchase or anything else dependent on fashion. That’s probably because my preferred “librarian with a secret” vibe hasn’t changed in 20 years and was never her aesthetic to begin with. So, I remain reliant on outside help and try to compensate for repeated trips back to the same territory by other means. Often that has meant spending more to ensure the next gift is more and more extravagant. Which leads me to a natural tension with another immutable law of spousal gifts….

Nobody Wins an Arms Race:  Luxury car dealers would have you believe that it’s a totally normal thing at Christmas to go out and buy your spouse a brand new vehicle. Not only that they seem to think you’ll be able to:

• Get it parked in your driveway sometime between 11pm on Christmas Eve and the crack of dawn on Christmas with no one noticing;
• Find the gigantic bow store so you have what you need to have the car “wrapped” as a gift; and 
• Magically clear your driveway of the 6 inches of snow that fell overnight to make your neighborhood a winter wonderland.

As someone who tried (and sort of pulled off) the surprise car gift, I don’t recommend it. It’s completely impractical and the romance of the whole thing quickly wears off when you need to bring your spouse back to some god-forsaken dealership to sign extended warranty paperwork. More importantly, these kinds of things shouldn’t be gifts. They are huge purchases and no spouse should spend that kind of money without discussing it with their partner who, you know, also needs that money to live. But, time and again, I have found myself in the trap of trying to show how much I value my wife through the monetary value of my gift. It’s this mentality that can convince you that giving a rubber mallet (twice!) as “permission” to spend money on remodeling the house is a good idea. It’s not only expensive, it’s borderline insulting, and it doesn’t work. 

Your “Aspiration” is my Insult:  Another tactic that definitely does not work is attempting to fix what you don’t like about your spouse in the form of a gift. For those that believe that all that stands between their significant other and their more perfect selves is a little gift induced inspiration, I say tread carefully before you install that treadmill, much less ask your spouse to step on it. 

Interestingly, I think this is the one law that I have a better handle on than my wife, as evidenced by my short-lived ownership of TRX bands she referenced in her post. As we have advanced from youth to middle age together, I’ve managed to keep it together physically in at least some respects. In particular, I’ve avoided having to tuck my pants under the 50lb beer belly that many men of my age find reasonable. But one skill that has and will always be beyond my physical abilities is doing a push up. I have a condition that explains this failure — it’s called weakness. It’s still a little mind boggling that my wife believed that the only thing standing in my way to solve that was to do those push-ups while tied to ropes suspended from the ceiling. Turns out it wasn’t and that I sort of resented the constant reminder of what was wrong with me that this gift represented. The lesson here is simple. Focus your gift on making your loved one feel good about who they are, not who you want them to be.

Inspiration is Fleeting:  All of this should not suggest that successfully giving gifts to your spouse is hopeless. It’s simply a matter of expectations setting. I definitely believe I’ve had some successful gifts. Although she interestingly doesn’t reference it in her post, I consider my best to be a custom calendar I once designed for our anniversary (yeah, it was an physical paper calendar) that had a picture of us from each month in question and a date reserved in each month for a special trip, concert or other event we would go to over the course of our next year. It had a kind of “great mixtape” feeling to it that I think blended the right amount of care and imagination that all great gifts have in common. 

Einstein’s Theory of Relativity was brilliant and inspired. But what if he had to come up with the equivalent for every birthday, holiday or anniversary? Couldn’t be done. Similarly, I haven’t really hit the same kind of home run in our marital gift giving since the age of paper calendars. But, notwithstanding my pessimism, hope springs eternal and I’Il keep trying, while maintaining my account on tenniswarehouse.com so checkout is easy and express shipping is guaranteed.