campus visits 101

My daughter was lucky enough to be able to go to her freshman year of college this year. Even with all of the pandemic restrictions, she was very excited to live in the dorms, have a roommate and even go to a few parties. And, we were excited to go out to her school to visit her. In early April, we went to visit her for a 4-day weekend. After this last visit to her school in another state, I started thinking a lot about how to get the most out of traveling to see our kids at their respective campuses.  

It’s clear that our kids want us to come see them but it is also very clear that they do not want to spend four straight days entertaining us in their adopted college towns.  I googled “tips for visiting your college student” and found some not so interesting blog posts.  So as a three-year veteran of visiting both my son and daughter at their colleges, I would like to give some unsolicited advice.

1. Avoid accidentally re-enacting any of the recent Progressive Insurance commercials. What I mean by that is – try not to show your age. Sentences like “In 1988, we had the most amazing homecoming tailgate!” Or,  “You know what we used to do? You guys should…” Advice from when we went to college could not be more irrelevant and I keep proving that to myself over and over. The norms have changed so much that the more we try to relay our experiences from the early 90’s, the more out of touch we appear. On our visit in April, I was caught and reprimanded for staring and discussing what people were wearing (bikini tops as shirts) and would have been better served by making a mental note and discussing with my friends when I got home.

2. Don’t try to blend in. Yes, my husband wore his Stan Smith “hot girl summer” shoes to my daughter’s campus and it was fine.  But, you may not attend parties other than football tailgates and parent weekend events.  You are allowed one visit to your old dorm or fraternity/sorority only if you went to the same school that your child now attends. Don’t plan your weekend visit as an opportunity to buddy up with your kids for Mardi Gras or Oktoberfest. If they want you at a specific event, they will invite you. Even when you are invited, be very discerning about that invitation and do not go unless you are certain other parents will be there. A friend of mine told me how she and her husband Eric “got way too drunk at our first (and only unfortunately) game day.” Her husband ended up in the corner of a bar eating a pulled pork sandwich which ended up all over the front of his shirt while her daughter and her friends stared in horror from the opposite end of the bar. And, there’s photo evidence. 

3. Don’t stop by the fraternity house.  We learned this one the hard way. There’s nothing to see there that will make you feel good about your kid. The same is true for apartments inhabited by three or more boys or five or more girls. Even more important, don’t bring the grandparents either.  My Mom was permanently scarred by a visit to my son’s fraternity house – she will never forget how her shoes stuck to the floor or the state of the shared bathrooms.  I have heard other anecdotes about grandparents and Greek houses and it never goes well and always ends up in the college kid considering dropping out of the family and assuming a new identity.

4. Invite and host. Let’s get real. You are there to pick up the bill. Make dinner reservations and tell your kid to invite a certain number of friends. This way, you get to meet (and evaluate) their friends and won’t be pulling them away from their social life while you are there. These meals do not need to be fancy but they have to be better than Chipotle or Panera.  Be prepared for them to leave after dinner to go to a party or a bar (at which point, do not say, “Aren’t you tired? What kind of party starts at 11 pm?”) Your kid may have good suggestions about where to eat but you should also build a list of restaurant recommendations to have available if needed.

5. Plan to do a little shopping and be very generous at Target and Trader Joe’s.  This is an extension to guideline #4 but additionally involves playing Santa Claus while you are there.  You need snacks for your dorm room? I got you. You need a coffee maker for your apartment? No problem. You want them to associate your visits with lots of upside so they will look forward to you coming back next semester. I’m not saying that you should buy them an entire new wardrobe and food for six months but make their living situation a little more comfortable however you can.

6. Make your own plans. Wherever you are visiting your college kid, you are likely in a new place.  Find a museum, meet up with friends who live nearby, get some exercise or find tickets to a concert or play. If this were an economics class, I would say that a decrease in supply of parental time could lead to a shortage and an increase in price. Meaning, less is more. Your college student can not possibly keep you entertained for an entire weekend.  Find a way to keep yourself busy and do things you like to do so that your college kid is not concerned about you sitting around. 

As I am writing this, I can hear myself thinking that maybe #2 might not apply to me. I mean – why wouldn’t my daughter’s friends want to party with me? I’m a ton of fun – especially when costumes are involved. But the reality is that no matter how fun I might think I am, I gotta take the tried and true advice you hear on every season of The Bachelor/Bachelorette – “stay in your lane!!”