dating games: my son’s response

A number of weeks ago, my mom gave some lovely dating advice from her and some of her friends, which I truly enjoyed (see “dating games“). In response, I figured that I might shock you with the reality of college dating, which is centered around dating apps. The following is some insight into the lives of your children that you may or may not want. 

I will start this conversation by saying that I actually have a number of friends who are in strong, serious relationships that started on a dating app. It is absolutely possible to have a real connection and to turn that into a committed, long term relationship. However, as you may have suspected, many college students also use these apps to keep the revolving door of hookups continuously spinning.

Now comes the news that you have been dreading. Your daughter is almost certainly on at least one of these dating apps, if not several. Your son definitely is. How they use these apps can vary widely based on what they’re looking for, which app they’re using, and, most importantly, what kind of person they are. It’s fairly easy to be a douchebag on Tinder, just like it’s easy to be a douchebag on Instagram, Facebook, or in person. Typically, if you’re a douche in one of these places, you’re a douche in all of them, you just might be better at hiding it in some places rather than others.

Let’s take a look at the landscape. First, we must discuss Tinder. This is a hookup app. No doubt about it. The average time to swipe lies between 1-3 seconds which means people usually only look at the photo. If someone really takes their time looking at profiles, they might go beyond the photo and read the two to three line bio.  The strategy here is to post the best possible photo of yourself and write something funny and original. If you don’t look exactly like your photos, that’s ok because it is just a hook-up and you’ve already passed the barrier of not being in the same place.

Next is Bumble. You’ve probably heard about Bumble on the news or from their IPO, and everybody raves about how it gives women the power by having them start the conversation in every match. In theory, this sounds like a great idea. In reality, the only result I’ve seen of this is a gray line at the top stating “This person has allowed you to start the conversation”. Let’s be real, college aged women have plenty of guys clamoring to get their attention, why would they put in the effort to start the conversation?

One of the reasons that I believe Bumble is a flawed concept is that women already have a significant amount of the power on dating apps. Not by design, but based on the fact that guys really just aren’t that picky. If you catch their eye for a second, you’ll get a yes. This means that women are bombarded with likes and can be choosy with who they match with. By giving women even more power in this environment, Bumble has taken a tipped scale and just thrown it off the table.

Finally, there’s Hinge. Hinge is awesome. Best dating app by a mile, especially if you’re looking for an actual relationship. There are multiple opportunities to show personality, it’s easy to respond to specific sections of a person’s profile, and really the culture is geared towards finding love. For weeks now, my mom has been raving about the “How I Built This” podcast episode that features the founder of Hinge and I recommend you check it out before she starts blasting it over airport loudspeakers.

These apps all vary in design, specific features, and culture, but they are all incredibly similar as well. Most importantly, they are defined by the fact that everyone has options. It is impossible to have the best looking, funniest, most interesting profile, because there are literally thousands of potential dates within a few miles (especially for the schools in cities). These dating apps let you connect outside the normal realms of schools, friends of friends, or even just bars and clubs. That means that there are a LOT of people out there, and yet you still have to be unique and interesting to get noticed.

As you would expect, this need to be instantly intriguing has led to serious study of how to create an ideal dating app profile. There’s tons of advice out there, but there are a few points that nearly everyone agrees on.

• Your first photo must be of only yourself. You can’t confuse people on who the profile is about, and, potentially more importantly, you don’t want people to find your friend more attractive and then be disappointed when the profile is actually of you.
• While the first photo has to be of only you, you can’t have only selfies. This implies that you’re a weirdo who has no friends.
• It’s ideal to have photos of yourself doing things. This could be sports, traveling, or at a football tailgate. You pretty much want to give off the impression of someone who goes places.
• The final photo requirement is the full body shot and not one in bulky winter clothing. People want to know your body type, and if you don’t show this, they are going to assume that you’re hiding something.
• Your bio should at the very least get you a pity chuckle. That’s really the most you can expect on a consistent basis. You can also go a more sincere route but trying to show some sense of humor is typically a good move.

All of the above is meant to get you a swipe to the right, or to the left if you’re holding your phone upside down. The conversion rate from sending a “like” to getting a match varies person to person. It’s fairly easy to get at least a match a day or something on the order of this. But, the conversion rate from matching on the app to actually meeting in person is incredibly low. The first hump is the initial message. Matches can be DOA with neither person willing to make the first move. You might send an initial message that just falls flat. Once your match hasn’t left the app within the first couple days, it has lost all chance of taking off.

You are now equipped with a solid background in dating apps and should be able to have an informed conversation with your kids (if you and your kids are both open to that level of honesty). But, you definitely have to know that your college kids (and maybe your high school kids) are on these apps on a regular basis and that’s just the deal right now.