My close friend CJ says it is time for me to come clean on this blog. For people that know me well, they will be surprised to find out that at 51 years old I have only stayed alone overnight (anywhere) a handful of times. Why is this the case? It is because I have a totally irrational fear of sleeping in my house alone. I feel that there is a good chance someone will break in during the night, wake me up with a gun to my head and kill me in some horrible manner. Regardless of where I am – in a dorm, apartment, condo, house or hotel – I wake up startled around 2 am thinking that there is a strange man standing in the doorway to my room.
I used to be anxious all day long when I knew that I would have to stay overnight alone. Now, I am able to fall asleep very easily but I still wake up around 2 am anxious and scared. I talk to myself all the time by why this fear is irrational: I have two large dogs in my house; I don’t have any highly liquid assets that someone would want to steal and sell quickly for drug money; I live in a very safe neighborhood; I have a solid wood baseball bat and an extra large MagLite flashlight under my bed, ready to be used as defensive weapons. And, I have an alarm on my house.
I also try to use my own made up statistics to feel safer – how many people have been murdered alone in their house in my county in the last 5 years? Of all the houses on my street, what’s the likelihood that a psychopath would pick my house? Sometimes I focus on the fact that I have dog sitters who are half my age and they have no problem staying in my house alone and I try to borrow some of their bravery. I have also narrowed down the timing to any potential violent event to between 1:00 and 4:00 am. I just white knuckle it through those 3 hours and I usually calm down enough to sleep by 4:30 am.
Upon learning about this irrational fear, my friends often ask where it came from. I have thought a lot about this and have a few theories. I realize that irrational fears tend to be just plain irrational. The only reasons I can think of is that (1) I am an only child and was left alone on a regular basis during the day beginning in third grade and (2) our house was burglarized when I was about 13. The burglary happened when no one was home and the intruders went through my room and stole the babysitting money I had locked in a toy safe. However, It just doesn’t seem like these life experiences would lead me to this lifelong fear of being alone overnight.
Most of my friends who know I don’t like to stay alone are very surprised because they LOVE staying by themselves. They feel like they are on vacation when they have their house to themselves. They eat on their own schedule, they have a very relaxing glass of wine (or two) and then stream the show of their choice without having to find any consensus about what to watch. I know most people are able to sleep alone without incident and it is frustrating to me that I can’t find a way to get over this.The way I see it, I have two potential options for mitigating this problem going forward. The first idea I came up with is renting rooms in my house on AirBnB for nights I am alone (although this would involve inviting strangers into my home and then I may not be able to sleep at all). The second (and more realistic option), is to start immediately on intensive Krav Maga training and learn to sleep during the day. For now, I am going with the second option and am prepared to financially incentivize my friends to join me in this program.
Do I have chalk on my face? by Denise Geschke 
15 responses to “home alone”
Did you read the article of the Menlo Park woman that got murdered by inviting strangers in, I think air bnb, she was my sisters neighbor, tragic! Don’t do it! I know you wouldn’t but that’s what came to mind. Google it!
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Justice for Denise’s babysitting $$! Was the little safe insured?
Also we don’t have the knees for martial arts anymore. Sign me up for your next availability at Chez Geschke.
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No it was not insured! I’ll book you for later this month!
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My capable, confident and strong daughter has the same fear of sleeping alone. I have no idea where it came from because she didn’t have traumatic incidents of this sort growing up. What you have that my daughter doesn’t is a wicked overhead slam. So just keep a tennis racket next to you on the bed while you sleep. Poor intruder.
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That’s why I have a bat and flashlight! I know my forehand can do some damage!
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Moose would rip an intruder stem to stern, but I realize that is not the point. I think 3rd grade is too young to stay home alone. Don’t tell Jane I said that though.
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I think you are safe since no one but me reads the comments!
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I feel like enough time has passed since I used to stay with the kids to share this is also my irrational fear (both when I’m by myself, and when it’s just me and Beau–or when it was just me and Miller and Kyra). I like the staying alone (wine, Netflix to myself, etc) until about midnight and that’s when I’m sure the intruders are going to come. Glad to know I’m not alone haha
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What??? My best ever babysitter has the same fear? I can’t believe it!
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I’m right there with ya!
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OMG I am dying right now because a) I have the exact same fear!!! And b) Gregg is going out of town this weekend for two nights. I usually make my father in law come sleep over so I’m not alone but he can’t do this Saturday. I was literally walking to the train this morning wondering if I should make a friend sleep over or just deal with it. I’ve spent 2 nights alone ever (meaning with Charley and my two dogs) and both times woke up at 2 in the morning convinced someone was in the house and going to kill us. If I can make it to to 5am I am ok. Maybe this is a new biz idea for us. Adult babysitting!!
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Personally, I love having the house to myself for a night or two…but am irrationally vulnerable if my leg or even a foot are exposed outside of the sheets in my bed. Something will grab me for sure, but apparently sheets provide an impenetrable barrier.
3rd grade is def too young to be left alone. 😉
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I used to have that same thought about being under the sheets and protected. I also STILL try not to move because that would increase the likelihood of something bad happening.
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I too have this irrational fear but it doesn’t have anything to do with being alone in the house. I would be sleeping soundly next to my husband and all of a sudden sit up screaming because I was convinced someone had broken into our house and was coming into our bedroom. My only idea of where it came from was a break in to our house when I was maybe 10 or 12 and sleeping. Luckily the house alarm scared them away that night. And also luckily I have managed to abate this fear for the last few years – if I knew how I’d definitely share. Meanwhile, keep that bat handy – you can do this.
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I just can’t believe how many people are responding with their own fear of staying overnight or being broken into – or both! We should have been talking about this a long time ago!
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