buzzed

I bet a lot of you haven’t noticed that I have not posted on this blog since I got home from New York. Most of the time during the last two months was spent getting back into the slower groove of the suburbs. I was adjusting to walking my dog on quiet, tree-lined streets, taking an extra time to find the best parking spots, buying groceries for more than one day at a time, and being friendly to strangers in random locations rather than looking prepared for an antagonistic interaction. Plus, it was slightly demotivating to have been made aware that some of my loyal readers only care to read the posts from New York and are not entertained by posts about dumb shit my husband does.

While living in New York these last two fall seasons has been transformational, there have been even bigger personal changes taking place (hopefully enough material to keep you engaged for at least two posts.) Yes, my children have left the nest and I am constantly jealous of my son living his best life as a young working person in San Francisco and my daughter enjoying a drama-free, hurricane-free, covid-free senior year of college. Yes, my husband has not been working since June and is performing a systematic audit of all the financial tasks I have owned for the last 20 years. I promise to chronicle all of this lovely togetherness in the next post. But here is the big news and it is truly shocking…. 

After spending most of my life watching others enjoy coffee, I am finally a proud, fueled, amped coffee drinker. After many failed attempts of getting over this hump, I have finally made it! I don’t think most of you realize what it is like to be a non-coffee drinker. It is a very small group of under-caffeinated people who are constantly reminded that they are missing out on a beloved daily ritual. I can only think of maybe 3 other people on the planet who are non-coffee drinkers (shout out to Cath in San Diego.)

It wasn’t like I was never exposed to coffee as a kid. My mother has always drank a lot of coffee. When she talks about going to Berkeley in the 1960’s, she seems to have no memory of marches and sit-ins, but she absolutely remembers learning to play bridge and drinking COFFEE. She talks about coffee like I might talk about a guy you had a crush on freshman year of college and finally made out with junior year on spring break in Rosarito Beach. My mother has had a long term intimate relationship with coffee and somehow it did not rub off on me. My dad is also a coffee drinker and he often made coffee look especially appealing when he would put ice cream in it for dessert. Both of my parents savored their coffee drinks of choice and I enjoyed the smell but was under the impression it was for adults only and did not consider joining them.

Coffee started becoming part of my social life in college. My roommate Allison was my first friend to make it a regular habit. Everything Allison ate or drank always looked appealing but any time I tried a sip, it was too bitter for me. By the time we graduated, moved to San Francisco and started our first jobs, coffee was everywhere. Starbucks had just opened their first SF location on Union St & Laguna in Cow Hollow and it was obvious to me that the trend was building and I was going to be left behind. Since then, It has become a thing to “meet up for” or “grab” coffee and I have been invited to multiple “coffee klatches” or holiday “cuppa joe” get-togethers. Coffee is inherently social and I have high social needs and am regularly battling a solid case of FOMO so I show up and awkwardly abstain from the main event.

In the 1990’s, I engaged in a number of unsuccessful attempts to learn to like coffee. Everyone told me to start with a latte – use as much milk and sugar as needed. I tried iced, I tried hot. I tried anything people suggested and all attempts ended in dumping drinks in the trash after two or three sips. I hated the bitter aftertaste and I gave up. Sometime in the last 15 years, I started drinking chai. My favorite chai is David Rio Flamingo Vanilla Chai. For me, the chai functioned as a solid hot drink option and something that I could order at Starbucks rather than ordering hot chocolate and feeling like a preteen loser. Chai served a purpose but it did not create a meaningful change in my life. 

Last year, however, chai accidentally became the vehicle for the eventual adoption of actual coffee. While we were spending time in Southern California, my kids started getting coffee at Alta Coffee in Newport Beach. My daughter started ordering dirty chai lattes and I tasted one and liked it. I don’t think I really paid attention to what made the chai “dirty” but I was really excited about it. It turns out, all of that excitement is what it feels like to get a real caffeine buzz. I was becoming highly productive in the hours right after drinking dirty chai, getting things done and staying focused. It was me but a better, more energized, clear thinking me and I cannot believe I am just finding out about this!

I did not clue into what was happening until my husband admitted that my dirty chai had double shots of espresso and that he had been secretly executing a plan to get me hooked on coffee.I have no idea why he wanted me to be addicted to coffee. Now that I am on board, he is incredibly self satisfied. He keeps rubbing his hands together like a cartoon character with an evil plot.  

Three times now I have over-caffeinated myself. I am sure you are asking yourself how that is possible but I am a lightweight in every possible way – alcohol, cold medicine, edibles and apparently caffeine. When I have a double shot of espresso in a protein shake or a vanilla chai, I am flying for a solid four hours. If I do it on an empty stomach, my energy is limitless but often ends in feeling jittery, light headed and a bit nauseous.

I know this new phase is gonna stick because yesterday I actually drove out of my way to get a dirty chai. That’s a real first for me. I still have a lot to learn about this exciting new world. I have no idea how to make a pot of coffee, no understanding of the various flavors or blends, and the closest I have come to drinking a real cup of black coffee is an iced, oat milk latte. I cannot see myself being remotely interested in decaf coffee – similar to non-alcoholic beer – if I am not getting the buzz, then what’s the point? 

p.s. Please don’t send me any coffee logo items like a t-shirt or mug that reads, “But first, coffee.” It could set me back.