resolutions you did not ask for

I began writing this on January 1, 2024 as my husband embarked on “Dry January.” I am not a big New Year Resolution person mostly because I believe the research that people generally do not follow through on them and then feel bad about themselves. This year, instead of making my own resolutions, I have some ideas for resolutions for other people. It feels like it is time to turn the concept on its head. Instead of making your own resolutions, let someone make them for you. My friend and blog editor CJ tells me that this year she is working on initiatives rather than resolutions – a lighter, kinder version of the original tradition. If you find yourself in any of the groups mentioned below, feel free to take these on as resolutions or initiatives – I’m good either way.

To my son and husband: No more thumbs up. And, especially, please do not use thumbs up – with a simultaneous fake smile. We have talked about this and I think you know it is not working. Ideally, you would replace the thumbs up with something verbal, like a full sentence and, if you are making a request of someone, then a few kind words and a hug would be just perfect. Consider a scenario where you are using the thumbs up gesture to remain unshowered and seated on the sofa but are hoping to have dinner decided on and delivered to you. I might say, “What should we do for dinner?” and you say, “Whatever you want is good.” and give me two thumbs up and a ridiculous toothy smile. The thumbs up makes this a pretty charged exchange that could easily be improved by deleting both the thumbs up and facial expression and just giving the question some actual thought. You may use the thumbs up tap back on text but please, no real life thumbs up –  it really has not been a useful gesture since “Three’s Company” was on primetime.

To all of my favorite Boomers and people in my life approaching 80 years old: Resolve not to write checks. I’m sorry that you were in your 50’s when you got your first cellular phone and laptop. I know this is a lot to absorb – I have my issues as well. The check (and the forgotten distant cousin the travelers check) are dinosaurs. It’s over. You can pay your taxes online, your hairdresser on venmo and most of your bills can be on autopay through your bank. If this seems daunting, I will hold your hand through the process. While we are streamlining your financial life, I would also like you to cancel all gas station credit cards (Stepfather, I am talking to you) and  sign up for ApplePay, Venmo, PayPal, Zelle or all four. I can show you how to do a mobile deposit and remove the need to show up at your bank more than three to four times a year for cash. When you pay with a check or even offer to pay with a check, there is a millennial somewhere both mocking and feeling sorry for you. I know that some of you feel that going to the bank is “part of your routine” and you find comfort in this simple act (KJ in San Diego). I promise you that we can find an alternative use of your time that will feel equally satisfying, like checking your bank balance online. In a perfect world, you would use your phone to pay for things 99% of the time and otherwise use cash (almost exclusively for tips.) I am sorry that this is uncomfortable and scary but it is really for your own good.

To the USPS, we have got to wave the white flag. I know this idea was initially suggested by Kramer on “Seinfeld” but the regular mail has got to stop. I am willing to compromise and go to a once a week delivery but that is it. As a matter of fiscal responsibility, please note that the USPS lost $6.5 billion for the fiscal year ending September 30, 2023. My adult kids barely know how to address or stamp an envelope and will only get the mail during the holidays when they are mildly interested in all of the holiday cards. If someone creative pushes the e-card a little further, we can save a whole lot of time, paper, stamps and envelopes and eliminate the only reason people even think they want mail. Think about it – what would you miss if you only got mail once a week? What about twice a month or even once a month? You would probably forget about the mail entirely and happily move on with your life. I don’t want to put people out of work but I have to think there are some good Amazon, FedEx and UPS jobs that might be very similar. Last year, I spent about six months trying to get reimbursed from Delta Dental after they sent us a check in the mail (this is also relevant for the previous resolution request) and it was stolen. Since then, I no longer trust the post office to handle anything of value beyond a thank you note. Mail was cute and fun in the pre-digital era but the world has moved beyond six-day-a-week home mail delivery and we have to face it.

Finally, I would like to make a request to anyone who regularly uses the prepositional phrases, “to be honest” or “I’m not gonna lie.” When these phrases and their related abbreviations are spoken or written, I automatically wonder: If you have to point out or emphasize when you are being honest, then are you frequently lying? I realize that I am being overly literal but this has been on my mind since 2018. I would guess that if you are under 40 years old, this will sound like I am just out of step with current slang and I need to mellow out.  There was a girl in my graduate school who would often raise her hand during class and begin her comments with, “I don’t mean to make a picky point…” After less than one quarter, a group of her classmates (including me) officially nicknamed her “Picky Point.” So, in an effort to avoid following in her footsteps but also continuing to be honest, I would like anyone who uses these phrases to initiate an alternative.

I feel certain there will be a push back on each of these initiatives and welcome it. Additionally, I would love to hear which resolutions you would make for anyone but yourself.