an optimist and pessimist get married

On the day of my wedding, I remember very clearly thinking to myself, “What is so different about being married after you have been dating for a few years?” I really thought that I knew everything about my future husband and myself and that getting married would just make us “official.” In my brain, after the wedding, we would continue on like we had while dating, having fun but figuring out how to share responsibilities and balance work and home life. At 26 years old, I was entirely (but appropriately) naive. I look back on that day now and think about how much we did not know about ourselves and how much we would learn about each other.

One recurring theme in the many years since our wedding is that we each walk through life with very fundamentally different perspectives. This may sound strange but, when I walked down the aisle 27 years ago, I didn’t know myself well enough to recognize that I was an optimist. It’s extremely obvious to me now, but possibly only because I have been married to a confirmed and seemingly eternal pessimist. But me? I approach life (and always have) with a “what could go wrong?” mindset. I greet new ventures with positivity, unguarded and eager, excited for what may unfold. My idealism can swell and expand with as little as an uplifting commercial or a recent episode of Survivor inspiring me to feel invincible.

My buoyancy is fueled by even the most simple things like singing in my car, heartfelt commercials or stories of people overcoming adversity. Here are just a few optimistic thoughts I have had that undoubtedly served me well at the time but, in retrospect, were a bit ridiculous:

* I went through sorority rush at UCLA and during the entire seven days, I felt certain I would get the house I wanted even when I was dropped by second and third choices. Once I was on the other side of rush, I realized how likely it is to end up heartbroken by a very messed up, superficial process and that I was so very lucky to survive and come out unscathed.

*The summer before I went to graduate school, I would swim laps semi-regularly in my parents’ backyard pool and, without any stroke instruction or real training, I thought I would be strong enough to join and excel at Masters Swimming. I attended exactly one Master’s practice in an Olympic sized pool with a bunch of real swimmers and immediately went back to my comfort zone on the tennis court.

* Since I started writing this blog five years ago, I have had a strong belief that someone will find it, discover my talent and help make it into something bigger. Having recently taken an online comedy writing class, I can more clearly see that there are no less than a million other people working harder than me to make that happen. Still, I won’t be shocked if this time next year, I am featured in Oprah Daily on Instagram.

My husband finds this attitude incredibly unrealistic. He spends a considerable amount of time mentally preparing himself for the worst. He used to wake in the morning and be unbelievably tense on his way into work wondering what catastrophes lie waiting in his inbox (this was in the early 2000’s). I remember thinking how crazy he was to expect bad things to happen and try to “prepare” for them. He would look at me and think I had no credible basis for thinking things would go my way and, in fact, my lack of “pessimistic realism” was causing him to, not only anticipate and prepare for his own doom, but mine as well. Although an entirely futile exercise, I can only imagine how exhausting that is for him.

This has been a push and pull throughout our relationship and, of course, we have engaged many friends in conversations about our opposing viewpoints and how we manage our expectations. Eryc – who changed the spelling of his name from Eric to Eryc in the 80’s, a move I find to be fundamentally optimistic – tells me, “I believe the glass is half full but I’m suspicious it is half empty.” My friend Brandon, who has one of the best senses of humor of anyone I know, tells me, “I know I will die alone.” Katie walks through the world attempting to prepare herself emotionally and physically “for the next disaster.” In her words, “I’m a pessimist with a positive outlook on pessimism. I’m discerning, I’m dedicated, I’m diligent.  I’m doubtful and doing it anyway.” For years, I thought they were all kidding around because, fundamentally, I am so deeply optimistic I can’t even fathom that people I know and love are authentically pessimistic. 

There is no question that my ability to “look on the bright side” frequently allows me to be gravely disappointed and unprepared for things when they don’t go my way. This is most evident when we travel and planes are delayed, accommodations are not as expected or when the weather does not cooperate. Those are my husband’s favorite moments because he gets the ultimate “I told you so.” He will smirk, feel intensely self satisfied and then look for validation that having low expectations is a much better way to walk through the world. It’s like he watches me trip over the same piece of furniture over and over again but never thinks to move it out of the way. He feels so certain in his pessimism that, when I am not around, I believe he just calls it realism.

Sometimes it is frustrating living with a pessimist and being exposed to his opposite way of thinking. I also know that he wants me to be more “realistic” like him because he is trying to protect me. He can see that I may ride my high hopes and positivity straight into a brick wall and, because he loves me, wants to protect me from that pain. I understand where he is coming from but, in my optimistic world, I still think that after knowing each other for 30 years, my positivity will eventually rub off on him. Optimistically, I can see the hopefulness that lies beneath when he tears up over “The Golden Bachelorette” with me.