write your wishes: sunflowers and pops of color

A few weeks ago, I was catching up with my friend Liz about her summer vacation and this discussion led to the most interesting revelation. Here’s the backstory: Liz’s family plus her brother, sister-in-law and nephew began their trip in Dublin where, following her Dad’s directions, they spread his ashes in the River Liffey.  She spoke about the trip with so much appreciation and love for how her dad’s family hosted and embraced them and how special it was for her and her brother to be there surrounded by loved ones as they fulfilled her dad’s wishes. 

Liz and I are among four of our friends in our college group who lost their dads in the last year. As our squad of friends settles into middle age, conversations that were once dominated by updates about our kids are now half about our kids and half about the health and welfare of our parents. We trade information about how the surviving spouse is doing, what IT help was needed recently, the pros and cons of assisted living, and how to convince someone to get a hearing test (is that oddly specific? Maybe it’s a hint for someone in LA.)

Years before he had any serious ailments, Liz’s dad wrote an email to her and her brother and provided a short list of how he wanted things to go upon his passing. His letter included information about his healthcare directive, where he purchased burial plots, his desire to be cremated, what to do with his ashes, and where to post obituaries. It gave Liz comfort to know what he wanted rather than attempt to guess what he wanted while grieving his loss. 

Sorry to get so dark in what is normally a light-hearted space. The real reason for this background information is that Liz, while discussing the trip to Ireland, revealed that she had already written down her wishes for when her time comes. Taking a cue from her dad, Liz created a detailed 5-page document outlining her vision for her service, reception, and obituary. Some additional detail that will help you understand why her writing all of this down was both on brand and shocking at the same time: Liz has always been and will forever be the social chair of our group. She is an organizer, has gazillions of friends, and brings tons of energy to every social gathering. She is not sick and has no reason to be concerned about her health. She just wants to plan the party she won’t attend – because if it’s her party, it better be really, really fun.

The specifics in this document are impressive. I won’t give it all away but some of the highlights are:

* Preferred theme and colors for her memorial mass – she wants “pops of color,” especially her favorites orange and green, as well as her favorite sunflowers.

* A list of people she would like to speak and be pseudo pallbearers at the memorial (My husband is on that list but only as an alternate and he is already lobbying for a promotion.)

* Eight different locations where she would like her ashes spread.

* Potential venues, catering options (including links to food trucks), specific drinks, and a comprehensive playlist (35 songs!) for her celebration of life.

* 26 bullet points about her that could be helpful in writing her obituary and a photo of a published obituary to use as inspo.

* Additionally, she told me, “I have lately been ruminating on what outfit to be cremated in and what to include with my body (for example, with my dad, we included family photos, a hand written note, some Irish, American and UCLA memorabilia, his favorite poem, and fruit from his garden). I had no idea this was even an option – to be cremated with stuff –  and putting it together was so sad but also cathartic in a way.”

While we were discussing “Liz Funeral/Celebration of Life Plans as of July 2025”, our friend Aaron looked at his wife and said, “I don’t need to write one of these – sign me up for whatever you do” and she gave him a look that said they would be discussing this another time. My husband announced that he would like to be cremated and have his ashes placed on my nightstand as a reminder of what a perfect husband he was and to make me feel bad should I ever decide to date again. He was trying to be funny but he was also intent on imposing future guilt should I outlive him. 

I was very shocked that Liz had thought through her own funeral and written it all down . I support her 100% in this endeavor and eventually plan to write down my wishes as well. I know how awful it would be if something happened to me and no one knew what I wanted. I have always assumed that my family and close friends know me well enough to know exactly what I would want even though I currently have no idea and I bet that is how most people feel. Or, that’s how we all justify not doing something that brings up a whole lot of discomfort.

After losing my dad last September, I can very much relate to what prompted Liz to write all of this down. As my father’s dementia progressed, my step mother, aunt and I tried to make decisions for him based on what we each thought he would want, what we would want for ourselves, and what seemed best from our limited options. I would have felt so much better if my dad had left some specifics besides wanting to be cremated. It would have been so meaningful to me if he had provided some guidance and, even better, some parting thoughts or favorite memories. In my early twenties, he famously told me that “you don’t know yourself until your thirties” and I have quoted him many, many times over the last 30 years. I wish I had a few more of those gems to guide me through middle age.

As of today, I am adding “google doc for funeral” to my longer term to do list (not on my short term to do list yet). I will probably follow Liz’s format and list my requests for my funeral, celebration of life and obituary and then add a list of who I want to have my jewelry and favorite clothes. Since I started ruminating on this concept, I decided that I want to include a list of things I was right about, a list of things I may have been wrong about, things I wish I had done but chickened out of and some future dating guidelines for my husband. Like Liz and for anyone who is taking notes, I want any gathering in my honor to be a true celebration, with lots of music, tons of appetizers, desserts and a well-delivered toast with Malibu Rum and Fresca!