deep dive dating survey: insights from 20-somethings

A few months ago, I started a really fun project inspired by the frequent conversations I have with my friends. We, as moms of 20–somethings, are often discussing dating norms and comparing them to when we were navigating the same challenges in the 1980’s/1990’s and early 2000’s. Because my kids do not seem to enjoy participating in these conversations, I decided that I could get more intel by creating an anonymous survey.  I solicited input from some mom friends and put together a very informal set of eight questions. Then, I urged my kids to forward the link to their friends. 

After a few months of consistent nagging, I ended up with a sample size of about fifteen males and females, some single and some in relationships, some straight and some not and a set of informative, insightful responses. All of the respondents live in either New York City or the SF Bay Area and vary greatly in terms of where they went to college and what they currently do for work. I will break this project into multiple posts because I want to increase the drama but also because I know that my readers like these posts to be short and sweet.

Here are the first two questions and answers. The responses range from lighthearted to thoughtful, insightful and surprising. I have bolded parts of the responses that stood out to me. For the first questions presented below, I noticed the words “replaceable” and “nervous” being repeated in multiple responses as well as a sense that dating is more complicated because of increased access and information. I cannot wait to hear my readers’ feedback on this project!

We have heard 20-somethings describe dating as “terrifying.” Can you help us parents understand why it is so scary?

I’ve dated enough fish in the sea to say it is terrifying. I’ve been stalked, harassed online, manipulated, threatened, and unwantedly touched by men who make it their job to guilt women into dating them. To think these men believe they are worthy of the love, care, and compassion of a woman is beyond me. I’ve watched friends endure the wrath of the early 20’s to early 30’s dating pool, and let me tell you, it is unkind. Nothing has changed. Men prey on women who can be easily manipulated, which is why I’ve put in the work to heal and grow so I can build a wall that only the most genuine of men can climb over to get to the core of my being. When you value and carry yourself with confidence, I’ve noticed the less these types of men are drawn to me. They know I cannot be trifled with and I make it known. Only men that feel secure in their masculinity and genuinely see my spirit, power, and worth would be bold enough to date me…and he has yet to find me. Alongside this are the triggers of past experiences with men that arise throughout the journey of dating someone new. Once you start to see the pattern of a man’s behavior, I fear what’s behind the door of date 3 is not to my liking. I fear the lack of awareness men have and what they will say and do to get what they want. 

I would not describe dating as “terrifying.” Frustrating at times, definitely, but not terrifying. I imagine more of the scary behaviors come from other men. There’s definitely a degree of nervousness. Am I going to like them? Are they going to like me? Am I as funny as I think I am? Thankfully the answer to the latter is an unequivocal yes.

I don’t find that dating is terrifying, but it does feel very complicated especially compared to how it has been described by previous generations. I think there is more data and choice at every single step of the dating process, and that has led to good but also complex decisions that feel intimidating or emotionally taxing. From the very start, you theoretically have access to every single person on the internet as your dating pool, and there is very little monoculture or homogeneity so that dating pool is not only vast but also remarkably diverse in every way. The process for how you go about first digitally interacting with that person can come in many different forms, so again another choice. Then you have the choice of where you meet them if you make it there, the best wine bar as ranked on Beli? The restaurant that they indicated is one of their favorites? Commute to one far away? Close? And then even after meeting them, their are preconceived notions from online presence (looking at their instagram or linkedin etc for those who do this), and then more distractions. I think all of this choice has also lent itself to a very different generational mindset where people have very distinct ideas of exactly what their partner needs to be. So yeah, not scary but a bit of a mess and exhausting.

The terrifying-ness really just comes down to the absurd amount of pressure young people put on dating. Exacerbated by social media and selection anxiety from dating apps, young people are convinced that their significant other needs to tick dozens of artificial boxes that they have made up in their head. “They have to be __ tall” “They have to have played sports growing up” “They have to have a good job” “They have to like hiking and camping” “They have to get along with my mother”. On top of all of these artificial checkboxes, and this is the achilles heel, young people deeply believe in soul mates — or at least the concept that there are a select few people out there that can satisfy their romantic needs. This is a new concept and ultimately is the demise of most young folks’ dating lives and relationships. For centuries you had very few options — someone that lives near you, that doesn’t smell bad, etc. — so you just picked as best you could and usually ended up discovering that you liked your partner even more than you expected. Now, you optimize for a large N number of constraints, and slowly over time your partner lets you down because the reality is: relationships are more work than play, and people are flawed. But, with the right person, that’s all worth it 🙂

Personally, I feel dating has become extremely casual these days and differs from how it was in older generations. Dating should be word of mouth, friends of friends, etc but because of phones, we have greater accessibility to people than ever — not always in a good way. This creates unattainable/unrealistic standards and expectations that people are constantly trying to meet but never seem to be able to. Social media has also created insecurities around image and I think the idea of not being/looking good enough has seeped into the dating world as well. The pressure of a “situationship” and casual dating makes the whole thing semi-terrifying personally, as you feel you’re constantly competing with others. It becomes harder to find someone genuine and who is actually looking for the same things that you are because you’re so easily replaceable.

Because it’s hyped up too much and the longer you don’t date, the scarier it gets. It feels unserious to parents but to us, we grew up with this whole phase before “dating” called “talking” and now “dating” feels like “marriage” and it’s like soooooo serious. BUT IT’S NOTTTTT! Or it doesn’t have to be!!! People are not used to being that vulnerable either these days, physically or emotionally. Also, people can be too judgy and have too many “dealbreakers”… they may be happier if they think outside of the box romantically!

I don’t think dating is terrifying nor have I really heard this phrase, but when I think about it I think there’s underlying factors. One of those factors is fear of rejection with people being afraid to put themselves out there. Another one is underlying anxieties about past relationships, failed dates, or inexperience.

Scarcity mindset. Everyone thinks the next best thing is around the corner and no one wants to commit. Not a lot of people want to settle down in a big city. Working is draining and friends are important and so is alone time – people are protective over their time. The “game” is real – people like playing hard to get.

I’m terrified of men who voted for Trump or could potentially murder me. Dating apps can be terrifying as a women and I think safety when going on blind dates with strangers is what I struggle with. Putting yourself out there can be daunting but thats always part of life and being nervous is completely normal. 

I wouldn’t say that dating is terrifying, I think the scary part is the rejection and feeling like you’re wasting your time. There is also this insane pressure in your 20s as a woman thinking “is this my person? How do I know? Will my family and friends like them?”

I think anytime something requires true vulnerability, it’s scary! You also risk rejection, ghosting, etc.

[I am terrified of] getting played or being embarrassed. Also, I don’t want my feelings hurt.

Everyone is on that damn phone! Also, we live in a society. [For those unfamiliar with this phrase, it is a meme.]

Being vulnerable is terrifying, I think especially for our generation. Dating heightens the feeling of vulnerability because we all deal with insecurities, and if our dating ‘fails’ or ‘goes wrong’, it can affect our self-esteem, which is precious to many. We’re also always comparing ourselves so much nowadays due to social media use.

To us 50-somethings, it seems like it would be so much easier to meet someone now than when we were single because of apps and tech. Do you think it is easier to meet but harder to get to know each other? 

It’s much harder to do both. People have endless options and stop caring.

Easier to meet but harder because some people are always chasing the “next best thing” which is always seemingly the next swipe.

Yes, seems like certain apps have different reputations but some can just be more hookup and then some more serious but also setting up a profile can be ominous because you have to pick good pics and everything.

I think it’s harder to meet people now because everyone is so immersed in their phones or their friend groups. People don’t just go up to random people they don’t know and introduce themselves anymore. Or, at least it’s rare.

Dating apps can definitely introduce you to someone who matches what you’re looking for and I know multiple people getting married that met on Hinge. I think they also allow people to talk openly about what they want. Genuine people seem to find each other and not approach it like a game.

Sometimes, it’s an overwhelming amount of people and I think juggling multiple people leans towards an ego boost for some.

Easier to meet in the most basic sense, but more so to do with the choice I already talked about making everything complicated. I don’t think it’s harder to actually get to know someone, because that’s the piece that hasn’t changed at all. The path is weird and dating apps and expectations and everything else, but actually meeting someone, having the date and feeling chemistry or not is still pretty foolproof.

Specifically in college, I think dating apps make it easier to meet a specific type of person. This may be a biased answer but I think people go on dating apps more to engage in hook up culture than to actually meet someone. I think dating apps are often used to “get back out there” after a break up or to meet people if you haven’t dated before. I think it is harder to get to know people because often people hide behind a screen and in person interactions can be awkward.

I think that it is harder because we have this insane level of accessibility to everyone and are constantly comparing ourselves more than previous generations simply because we can quite literally google everyone in the world to see what they have and we don’t. I think people also now hide behind their phones and their headphones and we are lacking so many micro social interactions that are so healthy and fulfilling and confidence building. When I look up on the subway, everyone is technologically engaged in some way. It is quite ironic that in the age where everyone is so connected, we are more disconnected than ever.

It is certainly easier to meet, but I don’t think it is harder to get to know each other. I think people just approach dating differently. As stated in my first response, folks build up unrealistic expectations about their partner, and most of the time they are left disappointed. As a result, young people are quick to cast aside blossoming relationships. See: The Secretary Problem. To really “optimize” for your best relationship, you should just pick the best option after you’ve dated 37% of your lifetime dating pool. Instead, people spend a ton of time trying to find the best option, so their “exploration set” is too large, resulting in a sub-optimal final pairing. Therefore, I don’t believe that it is innately “harder to get to know each other”, but rather I think young people are less willing to do so due to societal narratives and self-imposed pressure.

Yes and no. It’s technically easier to meet people because of technology/apps. But a lot of people want to meet “the old fashioned way” but no one looks up from their phone, makes eye contact, or approaches people anymore!!!!

Wait wronggggggg. (I have a boyfriend who I love and I met on Hinge). Maybe it’s a grass is always greener thing but it seems like it was WAY easier to meet people when people had to LEAVE THEIR HOUSE TO GET SOCIAL INTERACTION! Now people stay inside so much, keep their nose down when they go out and aren’t as used to talking to people

While we have the apps, often people are overly eager and set high expectations from the jump. This generation finds it normal to share their entire life story and trauma over text and on the first date, leaving no room for peeling back the layers. So in that regard, it is easy for me to get to know them, but I’ve left dates where they knew nothing about me because they spent the whole date talking about themself. They want to share everything to see if they scare us away, and they do. I find it easier to meet someone in person, but this is coming from a social butterfly. It doesn’t come as easily to people who are introverted. Rather than giving all of these random people access to me and my energy online, I’m leaving it up to fate and hoping that I meet someone in person along the way.

And, when we met someone we never had the benefit of being able to google them or find people we know in common. Is there a down side to having access to so much information?I love nothing more than meeting someone and scouring the web to gain basic knowledge of what they do, who their friends are, and attempt to see a glimmer of personality. Having access to Google and social media gives us the opportunity to feel more comfortable going out with someone we don’t know. It can be difficult to trust people so knowing we may have a mutual friend or things in common makes me less weary of going on a first date. 

I think the biggest change due to apps and tech has been the amount of people especially men, who have vastly increased expectations based on what they see online. Dating apps have created a new way to meet people, but I think they’re pretty universally disliked and there’s a very real preference for meeting in person. But it’s impossible to avoid seeing extremely attractive people online all the time. Previous generations might have had their expectations set based on Sixteen Candles, our expectations are being raised by an endless supply of airbrushed instagram models.

I kind of have a hate-hate relationship with dating apps. You are pretty much judging someone from the way that they look/the way that you perceive them based on 5 pictures and a couple of prompts. Most people don’t have the best dating profiles. Someone that I absolutely would say yes to a date to if I met them in person, I would X their profile on a dating app and wouldn’t think twice about it. I find myself focusing way more on their looks than any aspect of their personality, when I think both physical and emotional attraction are equally as important (if emotional not more so). I would so much rather be with someone who I find hilarious than a supermodel who has the personality of a brick wall. I find myself only engaging with people who I think are 10/10 attractive on dating apps and hate that I tend to do so. I also hate the fact that I already know they find me attractive. It seems like the game is up and there isn’t that tension of if they think I’m cute or not. I also hate that they’re only judging me on my looks when I have so much more to offer. I want someone to choose me for all of me, not just the way that I look. It kind of takes the innocence out of it. Also, along with my other answers, the accessibility factor plays a lot into this. I feel like guys (and girls) don’t have to put in as much effort. Most aren’t going to pick up the phone to call you to plan a date. As someone who really appreciates somewhat traditional values, I feel like people have really lost that narrative and dating apps do not help.

I do think it’s easier to meet people with apps & tech, but I feel like in a way we can ‘hide’ behind the screen of the apps. Once you make the first in person date from an app, then you’re in the clear and it’s up to you and the person and your personalities/confidence to work to get to know each other. I have heard and experienced success stories from dating apps where it’s nice to talk to them online first for a bit and decide if you want to meet them in person to continue learning about each other.

Hopefully, this is an intriguing exercise for all of my readers! I know the respondents were very interested to see what their peers had to say and I am hoping that other parents of 20-somethings will find this survey as revealing as I am. Six more questions and answers to come soon!