deep dive dating survey, part 3

This week, I am publishing three questions posed for my survey by mom friends about their own kids. A few of the young adult respondents thought that these questions were coming directly from me and answered specifically about my son’s dating life – but most responded about their own experiences. Because the survey was anonymous, I find myself assuming the heart-led guidance is likely written by the females and the logical, business-like approaches are male. But, who knows?

To the 20-somethings, if you are frustrated with dating now – so were we at your age. There are a few couples our age who have been together since high school or college but the bulk of us, were floundering on the dating scene for a while. In my teens and 20’s, I told my parents almost nothing about who I was dating, how it was going when I was dating someone or how weird I felt when I would go for months without even meeting someone interesting. I can relate to all of the insecurities and hesitance to be forthcoming about a process that is often unpredictable and frustrating. Today as a parent of post college young adults, I would do almost anything to hear all the ups and downs of my kids’ (and their friends’) dating lives. I promise not to be judgmental but also reserve the right to make fun of you later!

Why isn’t my 24 year old son dating? What can I do to encourage him?  Or should I mind my own business?

I would just be supportive and ask him about hanging out with his friends and stuff. Too much pressure can be hard and make him not want to talk.

Your son is dating. (This was directed at me but I didn’t pose this question about my own son.)

I think it’s possible they are dating or are too shy to talk about it. Encouraging friendship and being happy with your independence will probably lead to being ready to date. Timelines and social pressure have been the hardest for me when I feel lost or simply don’t have a crush. I never want to feel like I should be dating but rather I want to. A reminder that you don’t have to have it figured out at 24 is always welcome. 💕

I think it’s up to him to decide when he’s ready to date or he may be talking to people just not sharing because nothing is coming out of it. He will date or find someone in time.

Definitely mind your own business and, also, are you sure? A lot of my friends go on casual dates/casually kiss or hook up with people and just don’t discuss with their parents because nothing feels “serious.” I, for one, have historically taken forever to tell my parents about boyfriends.

Maybe he is and he’s just not telling you because you’re his parent. Maybe he’s just having sex. Maybe he’s just watching a lot of porn. Maybe he’s exploring his sexuality and doesn’t know how or really have the desire to communicate that with you. No one wants to be told what to do, they just want to be heard and respected.

Context matters so much to answer this question. If you are not in an environment with enough like-minded people, the chances of wanting to date anyone in that pool is so much lower. One of my priorities of my 20s is finding a place where I feel I can be myself and connect with people who understand my values. So, I would have more questions for the son about why he isn’t dating, but I don’t think it’s something that needs to be rushed. Young people now in my opinion aren’t as concerned about the timelines of marriage/having kids because careers are more prioritized (but this definitely depends on who you talk to).

You should mind your business. He might be dating and just doesn’t want to talk about it, he might be having a hard time and just hasn’t found the right person yet.

He’s scared and insecure about it. There’s probably some traumatic life event holding him back from finding the right person, because I’m sure he’s lovely and an absolute catch (speaking from experience…). We sometimes forgot that the people we’re interested in don’t sit on the pedestal we put them on — they’re just people with emotions and feelings too. Giving yourself up is very scary and opening yourself up to new situations where you feel vulnerable is a hard bridge to cross, especially when it’s not second nature.

I can guarantee all of his friends are pressuring him to start dating, and it probably looms over his head all the time. I know how mothers can be, and I’m sure you want him to realize how much of a catch he is. But constantly bringing it up probably isn’t going to solve anything — it is just something he’ll have to figure out on his own. The best thing to do is to be supportive if he talks about it, or slyly bring it up every once in a while without pressuring. He’ll talk about it and open up when he’s ready.

Hmm it’s just a grave scene right now. Also maybe he is dating and you don’t know? It’ll happen as it’s supposed to and you can’t really influence any of these factors so I’d say show your support by minding your business 🙂 A watched pot never boils!

Don’t put any pressure on him that he doesn’t already have. If it has not become clear, young people apply a ton of pressure on themselves to find the perfect match. The best thing to do as a parent is be supportive, do not be judgmental, and set up your son when you can! So many strong relationships come from random inter-parent connections, why not give your son a random chance with a spike-value prospect?

LOL. At risk of exposing him, I believe he does date casually! If he doesn’t put too much pressure on it, it’s hard to be disappointed. (Again, this is clearly directed towards me and my son.)

Depends on the person, by older generations standards they probably are dating. The definition of dating has gotten so strict, I always find it funny how to translate that I am seeing people or going on dates etc but not actively in a serious exclusive relationship. But otherwise, push them to just meet people as a whole, don’t think it has to be just dating. If you make enough friends, some of those are bound to lead to dates with them or friends of theirs. Friends of friends or meeting in person works far better than dating apps anyways in my opinion.

That will take some much needed probing to uncover. To each their own. There is a wave of men who are taking a back seat on dating to discover themselves, heal, and expand their lives. Those are the men that will find a partner that matches their energy. Encouragement can look like supporting this time in his life when he doesn’t want to date. We can’t push or force anyone to do something they don’t want to do. If that were the case, dating would feel like a chore. Everyone has their reason for dating or not dating. So, rather than encouraging him to date, support him through this period of his life as he just lives, knowing that’s enough and when he’s ready, he’ll dive into the dating scene again. Better yet, someone may cross his path at just the right time.

My 24 and 26 year olds want to meet someone “organically” and kind of pride themselves on not using dating apps but they haven’t met anyone the old fashioned way. How do we destigmatize dating apps?

I feel like it happens naturally as they meet more people who have had successful experiences.

We don’t “need” to do anything. The apps are available if we want and you don’t need them if you don’t want to use them.

I wouldn’t push a dating app as the solution if they don’t like them. Encourage joining a community sports league or volunteering, doing something you love will lead you to people who are similar.

I don’t think dating apps are necessarily stigmatized, I just don’t think they are for everyone. I think plenty of people are on them and they are talked about frequently enough that people aren’t shamed for using them, but it can be hard for people to get that sense of excitement behind an app.

OMFG I have had the most terrible dates from Hinge and also met my boyfriend on Hinge. I am a Hinge fan but I completely understand the intimidation. I think you have to expect nothing but practice from dating apps. Also, in order for them to work, you have to use them and actually go on dates. Its a numbers game, the more people you go on a date with the more likely you are to find someone you actually like. It seems obvious but you have to expect to go on some bad dates in order to find a good one! Also watch this to help with destigmatizing the apps.

Dating apps have become gamified. If you’re actually using them for their intended purpose then I think they can be really helpful. My best advice for dating apps is to get on and off of them as quickly as possible. If you think someone is cute send then your number, make a plan, find a common interest or a mutual friend to vet them.

I think it’s so normal to want to meet someone organically because it may feel like it’s more ‘meant to be’. If you are someone who wants to put in time and energy on using dating apps, then meeting someone is something you prioritize. It sort of reminds me of keeping up with the times of the 21st century, and I think apps will continue becoming more popular. I guess we can destigmatize them by talking about success stories more…? I don’t think it’s a big deal though if people want to stay off the apps, they’re sort of like social media where you can spend wayyy to many hours on them.

The apps work and there are real couples/stats to prove it. I think seeing a couple that came from Hinge is encouraging.

I don’t think dating apps are a bad thing if you’re constantly going on dates and seeing a lot of people. You’ll have good dates, you’ll have bad dates. I have some close friends who are either very happily dating, engaged, or married who all met on Hinge. Many couples who meet on dating apps are very happy, and it gives hope to the rest of us. But, I can guarantee you that all of those people were using dating apps like a part-time job. It’s absolutely possible, you just have to weed out the bad ones. It’s not like I would be embarrassed if I met someone on a dating app. I personally don’t have time or desire to put in the effort, so would much rather meet someone in person.

I also think dating apps are good for a specific type of person. People who can see multiple people at once, take it more casually and are overall chill in their dating approach are the ideal candidates for dating apps. I personally think meeting a friend of a friend is ideal. People meeting within a huge friend group who have mutual connections already have something in common, and a lot of the times personalities mesh. I feel like you have a higher success rate and if it doesn’t work out romantically, they can still be someone you’re able to be friends with.

I say let them date as they want because dating apps are already pretty destigmatized

I think there was a time where it was common to rely solely on dating apps to source potential relationships. People work a lot, when they are off they want to spend it at home or with friends, so the dating app became the only way people would pursue their relationship goals. The stigma against dating apps is the resultant counterculture. If you relied only on dating apps and found little success, you now want to cast away the dating app because it reminds you of that.

However, if you put as much effort (or more!) into your in-person dating life, you will begin to look at the dating app as just another outlet. It’s not something you rely on, it just increases your chances.

You can accomplish this by making flirting and talking to strangers a regular part of your routine. Don’t make anyone uncomfortable, but introduce yourself to the person at the book store or talk to the girl at the bar that looked at you. Within 30 seconds you’ll know if they’re remotely interested, after which you can ask if they’re dating someone. Done. Worst, and most likely, case you get rejected. Best case you got a date. Medium case you make a new friend (and that’s great too!)

I love Hinge and encourage all my friends to get on it and get out there. At the very least, it can lead to a good story for your friends! It is a lame origin story, but not everyone gets a meet-cute!!!

I am a perpetrator of this one, while also using dating apps. I think the best mindset to have to get over this is just that it replaces the initial bar not the actual date. A dating app provides a digital replacement for seeing someone across the bar and thinking they are attractive so you walk up to them. It should not replace the actual full conversation that ensues, the date that is planned, the getting to know each other etc. Match on a dating app and once you’re sure they aren’t a criminal (or are if that’s your thing) ask for a simple date. Somewhere public for safety, short timewise and low ask from you to keep the barrier low, but don’t waste time getting to know someone virtually like they are some AI girlfriend or boyfriend.

I align with them. When you raise genuine human beings who value themselves, their lives, careers, and people, how can we expect them to find their partner on a dating app? To find someone who aligns with their energy, spirit, and drive will take more than an app. Rather than destigmatizing dating apps, how can we destigmatize choosing to not date and doing so when someone who actually piques our interest crosses our path? 

I don’t think they should be destigmatized. Dating apps suck. Meeting some organically is vastly superior in my book. Dating apps create a fairly significant amount of numbness and disinterest, which isn’t helpful for any dating situation. It almost becomes a chore and takes away a lot of the excitement.

My 23 year old is ready to have a girlfriend but seems to be focused on finding the girl he will marry and determining that on the first date over drinks. He works long hours during the week and is hesitant to prioritize a weekend date over a night out with friends. How will he meet someone with this level of rigidity?

I think the taxi light theory is real. When men are ready they’re ready. And if the person is worth it they’ll make time on the weekend.

Life is long and 23 is a good age to be silly. I would encourage him to view dating as something light hearted and not so serious. Expectations of marriage at 23 are stressful to both parties and a first date is just a conversation. Spending time with friends is also good and could lead to meeting the girl he wants to marry.

I don’t think this is necessarily rigidity and more prioritizing what is important to him. I think when someone intrigues him enough to prioritize them over his friends then that’s an important sign. If he has a small amount of time and prioritizes dating over hanging out with his friends he may start to loath dating.

He won’t!!! Dating has to be way less deep for it to work. I think people feel pressure when they wait a while to start dating, they feel like the first person they do date has to be PERFECT– but there’s definitely beauty in dating someone not right for you (to an extent of course, as long as you’re safe). I think practice is so important and you just want to have fun. Also, go to a happy hour drink on a date with someone on a Saturday and then go out with your friends after. Make it work if you want to! And the more you try the easier it’ll be. 

He’s 23! It is okay for him to want to prioritize his career right now. We all have our own ideas of how we want organize our lives and ideas of how we want to control everything. Just because that is what he thinks now doesn’t mean that is what he will think forever. 23 is so young. I am 26 and my mind has changed about dating depending on where I am in my life, career, eduction, self growth and development, and confidence. I think parents have this illusion of control over their children’s dating lives because they want the best for them, But no one learns if they don’t make mistakes.

Maybe they’ll meet in a different kind of setting? I’m imaging friends of friends or other mutual connections. Maybe it’s already a friend he has and it’ll morph into something more – I think that happens more than people think. I think the more you try to put pressure on dating and finding the “one”, the less it’ll come naturally. What is meant for people will find them if they stay open. At 23 (I am 23 as well), I think it’s actually important to have nights out with friends because friends are forever (usually!), and nights can definitely be wasted if you’re always prioritizing first date drinks.

Totally get it. I think on a first date you can absolutely feel the vibes whether you’d get along with this person/want to know more, even if the other person is nervous. There are absolutely times I’ve been on dates where I know it would literally never work so why would I go on a second date? I think focusing on someone who he would really get along with should be his goal instead of the “is this my wife?” approach. I don’t think it’s a bad thing to have high standards and be intentional in the time that he spends outside of work/social obligations — sounds like he has very little of it. So, if he doesn’t see something progressing somewhere, I completely understand him not wanting to explore it. He’s also very young — mentally/emotionally he’s like 19 in girl years. Pretty fresh out of college and having fun with his friends — let him live out this work hard play hard life style, because better now than in his late 20s when girls are less forgiving. The more he dates, the more he’ll loosen up. It’s all a learning curve!

Hmmm honestly he’s so young, he’ll figure it out … first date is actually kind of a good point of reference also. He’ll meet people naturally – think of the investment bankers who work 6 days a week but find a way to meet people. 🤣😜

Include lower-stakes dates in his routine.

Weeknights: grab a glass of wine and keep an open mind.

Weekend-days: grab a coffee or go for a walk, doesn’t have to be too long.

Weekend-days: go out with your friends, but have the person you are seeing (and their friends!) meet you out and join groups. Alternatively, grab one quick drink before you plan to see your friends.

Lastly, unless there are truly alarming red flags, give folks a few chances before ruling them out. No relationship is linear and nobody is perfect.

He is unlikely to in my opinion. How do you know what you want if you don’t go on many dates with many people!?!?!

Being that rigid is hard, but the expectations is a product of the huge data dump on our generation. Too many options leads to too much rigidity. I do much of the same, and have worked hard on being open to more, focusing on value from the time that the relationship or connection lasts rather than the amount of time it lasts for.

To be 23 and know what you want is a gift. He is a rare gem. Rather than seeing this style of dating as rigid, try to see it as him knowing himself well enough to know whether someone aligns with him after one date. I have gone on many first dates that have not led to a second date because I knew within the first 10 minutes that I had no interest in dating or being friends with them. Same as your 23 year old son, I’m focused on finding a partner and someone I can build a future with. It more so comes down to what is being discussed at these dates. How do the conversations flow? Consider asking him what he is looking for in a future wife rather than questioning the methods. 

I completely understand his perspective, but it’s naturally going to change over time. Eventually, when someone piques his interest a bit more, or he tires of just going on first dates with nothing coming of it, he will prioritize dates during the week or on the weekend. 23 is very young, there’s a good chance that there’s a lot of dating ahead of him, so I would expect his dating habits to change significantly over time.

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The final question I posed in my informal dating survey was, “Are you worse off socially because of COVID?” This question seems like an outlier in this discussion so I am going to summarize the responses by just publishing just this one: “DUH. And the world has changed a lot!” Thank you to all of my 20-somethings who took the time to respond to these questions and enlighten all of us Gen X’ers (and older!) about what your experience is like trying to find love in the 2020’s.