the best of the coasts: nyc vs. sf bay area

After two months away from writing, I am back at my desk and hoping to remember how to be entertaining. January is typically a tough month for me to find creative momentum. I have a plethora of topics to write about but, after I am away from routines during the holidays and new year, I begin to doubt my abilities and can’t figure out a way to begin writing. I managed to kick start my creativity by focusing on a “bicoastal wrap-up” – writing about what I have learned from living on both coasts for the last four years. Who doesn’t love a wrap-up? I often devour the end-of-season reality TV “tell-alls” and this is my version of a Manhattan vs SF Bay Area face-off.

While this is not a series finale (meaning we are continuing to go back and forth from SF to NY), here are my entirely subjective reflections and findings:

• EXPERIENCES

There is so much to do in NYC. I know this is obvious but I just keep emphasizing it. Cities have unending energy and I thrive on new places, people and experiences. When I am in NYC, I am excited to go to concerts – even at the large venues – because there are no logistics to worry about. We take the subway back and forth or walk. Staying in and binging shows comes with FOMO because there is always something to experience.

Back in the suburbs, we seem to get in a deep rut where we resist driving even 20 minutes to try a new restaurant. Typically, we go to the same five or six restaurants, eat at 7:30 at the absolute latest and revel in being in bed by 10 pm. I am hesitant to go to the larger venues because it requires strategizing around driving, traffic, parking (usually purchased ahead for at least $50) and leaving early enough to avoid traffic. For better or worse, I feel absolutely no guilt about going to bed early and lounging around the house when I am in CA. 

• REPAIRS & MAINTENANCE

Apartment living is carefree. If we need any repairs, we submit a work order on an app and it’s usually done the same day. Because we are renting, I don’t think about making upgrades like replacing cabinets, changing faucets or painting. Unlike our home in California, when we are away I don’t need to be concerned about deliveries, water leaks or trash cans. And, I could go on for days about how much I love having a doorman.

In our town in Northern California, finding a reliable handyman is an ongoing, challenging process. Getting repairs done usually means calling, scheduling and then waiting during a 4-hour window (or longer). It feels endless and open items only lead to more projects. I know that’s the story of homeownership but it would be amazing if I could delete my “house” to do list.

• GETTING AROUND 

Walking and taking public transportation around NYC make me feel independent, capable and, to be entirely honest, proud of myself. I rejoice being on the subway, doing a crossword puzzle while also contemplating the backstories of the other riders. I feel like I can get anywhere on my own two feet utilizing a few tri-state area transportation apps. When I took the air train to the LIRR to the subway to get home from JFK, I gave myself a standing ovation. It’s not complicated but it feels so good when you can get from A to B without sitting in traffic or looking for parking.

I am a California native and grew up in LA where your car is your second home as well as a reflection on your identity. I love snuggling into my seat heater, singing along to my playlists and the convenience of parking in a garage. But, I never miss my car when I am away and I think that says a lot.

• ANONYMITY

Even though I am a highly social person, I love being anonymous as I explore the city. Somehow in the many months we have lived there, I have only run into people I know about five times. While there is a ton of comfort in the routines of the suburbs – which often includes running into people you know from every stage of your life –  it is also kind of awesome to be an observer. As a part time resident and without a solid social circle, I feel a sense of freedom and worry less about what other people are doing.

• SIMPLICITY VS SPACE

We run very lean in our NYC apartment out of necessity. There is no room for extra stuff. However, simplicity comes with tight spaces and lots of street noise. I can’t avoid my husband’s loud phone voice or use the blender without getting dirty looks. I often change my clothes in my closet because our bedroom window looks directly into the NY Institute of Technology classrooms. 

Conversely, I just spent more than a year cleaning out our Bay Area house and continue to marvel at how much stuff we were storing in cabinets, closets and drawers. I have always believed myself to be a very organized person and this house project has revealed that I was lying to myself. Now that the house is clutter-free, I really enjoy the space and it feels huge compared to our apartment. 

• DOG

Having a dog at home with a backyard is 100% easier than taking your dog out of an apartment building three or four times a day. Our dog is 100 lbs and has no qualms about peeing a river in the middle of Broadway if we don’t get her out of the apartment on time. I feel anxious about deviating from her bathroom schedule and suffering the embarrassment of her peeing on the sidewalk as hundreds of people walk by in judgement . Taking her out in the rain and cold are not ideal and made worse when you are out late and have to get the dog out before you go to bed and then also get up early to take her out in the morning. In our smaller space, her shedding is very noticeable and we often vacuum, swiffer or lint roll the entire apartment multiple times per day. This is a first world problem but I’m just pointing out the universal truth that dogs are tougher to deal with in apartments.

• COURT SPORTS

I love my tennis and pickleball situations in NYC and am surprisingly happy to play indoors (no sunscreen needed!) Playing sports in NYC can be expensive and complex but they are scheduled and reliable. On the flip side, playing sports in the California sunshine is how I grew up and I love the fresh air. I have made some of my deepest friendships on the courts and miss my extended network of amazing female athletes when I am on the east coast. Without question, sports has been the best way for me to make new friends and become comfortable in a new place.

• FRIENDS

The best and worst part of picking up and living in a new place is that you are away from your friend network – the people you forged relationships with over the last 25 years. I really hate missing out on get togethers in CA and I don’t want people to count us out socially because we are spending large chunks of time on the east coast. What is strange and kind of unexpectedly awesome is that many of our friends do come through New York – for work, to visit their kids or on vacation – and I often get large chunks of quality time with them that I rarely get at home. If I get an entire day with a CA friend in NYC, it feels really good. 

• MY KIDS 

My daughter works full time and often in-person in NYC. She is in her second year at a PR firm, has limited vacation days and is generally stressed out. If I want to see her more than a few long weekends a year, I have to go to her. I worry that when I am in NY that I seem needy to her because I am willing to make myself available for a foot massage on a moment’s notice. I try to lure her into working from our apartment with a fully stocked refrigerator and a promise that I won’t use speakerphone in her presence or ask questions about Instagram. My son is working remotely in SF, can work from NY and is also willing to hang out with us in the Bay Area so we get time with him in both places.

It’s possible that our bicoastal experiment will end when and if both kids are on the west coast but, as of now, I hope that doesn’t happen for at least another year or two (and may possibly never happen!) The thing is that I really couldn’t do NY full time (especially in the most recent snow storm) and most full time New Yorkers I have met spend the summer somewhere cooler and find some sun in the winter.

I really do like having a life in another city that forces me out of my comfort zone in so many ways: friends, weather, transportation, smaller living spaces, different norms and so many amazing sandwiches. I must be on to something, because at least three other couples from the Bay Area have let me know that our original NY experiment inspired them to try something similar!

Anyone else living between two or more places? I would love to hear your thoughts.