unsure about your relationship? call me (or maybe don’t)

About a month ago, a friend asked me if I knew a guy from UCLA – someone who is close friends with her husband. He seemed vaguely familiar to me so I sent the photo to a college friend and asked, “Do we know this guy? His photo looks so familiar.” She quickly responded: “Don’t you remember?? I dated him for a week and, when you found out about it, you said, ‘He’s not good enough for you.’” Suddenly, it hit me. I have been telling friends that their boyfriend or girlfriend was not good enough for them and being the instigator of break-ups for decades! 

Yep, I am that person. I am the friend who is elected by others or, more likely even, volunteers to deliver unpopular messages people don’t want to hear about their love life. My role as relationship-ender began in high school. I have no idea why I thought I knew anything about relationships in my teens – mine or anyone else’s – but I had opinions that needed to be expressed.

I have been thinking about why I feel qualified to tell people in my life who they should or should not date. Here are two reasons: (1) I am often over-confident while also totally naive and (2) I have convinced myself that I have a super power that enables me to help people find worthy partners and avoid heartbreak. Maybe those explanations are actually two ways of saying the same thing but you get the point. These instincts come from a place of love, loyalty and admiration for my friends. I think the world of them and want them to have partners that are just as special. 

You are probably wondering, what are the signs that someone is “not good enough”? Do you have the same criteria for everyone? These are great questions. In high school, “not good enough” often meant that I didn’t trust the person because of any of the following, random traits:

* had cheated on previous boyfriends or girlfriends.

* were too much of a stoner because they got high in the parking lot every day.

* intentionally operated a car without a muffler.

* wore what I deemed to be “weird” clothing or accessories.

In college, “not good enough” included the traits listed above plus:

* guys who appeared in more than one sorority rush slideshow.

* being in an off-brand fraternity.

* wearing flip flops in winter that revealed dirty, unwashed feet.

Beyond college, “not good enough” went a lot deeper. The criteria now involved: 

* whether or not they were hard working.

* did they have friends and did we like their friends.

* how they treated my friend as their boyfriend or girlfriend. 

The only time I didn’t deliver the “he’s not good enough” message when I really wanted to was when my best friend got married. She started dating a guy while I was in grad school and wasn’t present to let her know that her boyfriend did not meet my expectations for her. She is the Oprah to my Gayle and, to this day, I feel like I should have a say in who has the privilege of dating her. Back in 1999, I felt strongly that her fiancé didn’t love my friend for who she was – it seemed he wanted to mold her into the woman he wanted her to be. Even when her mom approached me on the day of their wedding and suggested she and I try to stop the wedding, I held back. They were married for two, short years and split up because he was having an affair. Her mom and I were right, he wasn’t good enough.

Delivering the break up message to friends about their significant others has not always served me. Since we were in our mid 20’s, I have counseled my friend Ryan to break up with probably ten different women – including the woman that became his wife. Expressing doubts just before they got engaged cost me ten years of being able to see him because, once they got married, his new wife was smart to keep Ryan’s “relationship killer” out of the picture. I earned that official title while staying with Ryan for our grad school reunion. His girlfriend at the time stopped by his house and let herself in with her own key. She and I had a quick chat in his kitchen and, guess what? She wasn’t good enough for him and I had to insist Ryan end the relationship and get his key back ASAP. He recently started dating again and told me that he can hear my voice in his head when he meets someone new. That’s either progress or I have tortured this poor guy for too long.

Right after college while living in San Francisco, I committed my worst blunder. My roommate and college friend was dating a guy I had previously dated for three months (now known as a situationship). Despite the fact that he broke up with me on Valentine’s Day, I had no lingering feelings and felt that I should express my concerns to my roommate even though she was clearly in deep with this guy. I believe I used the phrase “he’s not a good person” and explained my belief that he wasn’t someone you could count on. Big mistake. She stopped talking to me almost immediately and kept dating the guy. Luckily, she eventually figured it out for herself, dumped him and found a really wonderful man to marry but we didn’t go back to being friends for almost twenty years. 

Should I have kept my mouth shut? I doubt that I could have in any of these situations. Now, my pressing challenge is to make sure to be only positive about whoever my kids decide to date. I mean if they are dating a truly terrible person and somehow don’t see it, then I will allow myself to say something – or ask my best friend to deliver the message. Otherwise, I am ready to pass the baton to my 23 year old daughter who has a much higher E.Q. than me. In fact, she reminded me today that she has already broken up at least one couple and stands behind her decision to do so. I can retire from my post knowing that she will do an excellent job preventing her friends from settling on someone that’s not good enough for them.

** If I ever told you to stop dating someone because they weren’t good enough for you, please comment or email me!