happy birthday! and that’s it.

If you are a regular reader (or even a semi-regular reader) of my blog, you have read about my fabulous group of college friends. These women have showed up in several different blog posts including: our Austin Weekend in 2019, attempts by me to break up two of these women from their boyfriends, an obsession with a throuple dating show and a discussion of Liz’s plans for her own funeral. While we may not be as organized as other friend groups, we find a way to getaway together. So far, we have gathered in South Lake Tahoe, Palm Springs, Nashville, Austin and Phoenix (see photos from each below). We also regularly communicate in a group text where we celebrate successes like graduations and anniversaries and attempt to soothe rough patches like parents passing and marriages ending.

For many years now, we have each been writing effusive birthday text messages to each of the other thirteen ladies. On each of these fourteen days of the year, the birthday soliloquies begin at dawn and include photos from 20, 30 or 40 years ago as well as clever, kind and gushing words of praise for the birthday woman. Some make references to memories we have shared or plans we have in the future, specific qualities that are beloved and plenty of positive sentiments. Here are a few examples:

* “Who would have thought one of our first conversations by the Bruin bear would be the beginning of a lifelong friendship?  Love you to the moon and back.  Can’t wait to celebrate you in person in April!”

* “You are kind and generous with your time and spirit and you would give the shirt off of your back to help a friend – I feel so lucky to have you as my friend :)”

Who wouldn’t want to wake up to these texts? On my birthday, I love reading them especially when there are repeated themes about me being funny. Here is a memorable one that I received this year: 

“Happy Birthday! My life coach since 1988 – what an absolute delight you are – I love our friendship and am so grateful for your love and influence in my world.  I’ve learned so much from you and am a better person as a result.”

You can see how thirteen texts like this would give you a serious confidence boost. I read them, believe all of the things they say and then smile a little bigger. 

While I treasure the compliments and loving words, I also feel a good amount of pressure to write something fresh and authentic for each person – thirteen times a year. I have known for a while that we were overdoing it and that this practice was likely unsustainable. Before my birthday last December, I considered crafting a carefully worded text urging for a group resolution to streamline these messages. Because I don’t want to be the curmudgeon of the group, I kept my dark thoughts to myself.

Lucky for me, my friend Adrienne is always willing to say the things others are afraid to say. At our Scottsdale, AZ getaway last weekend, she announced to the group:

“Ladies, I have a bold statement to make. I am done with the birthday messages. I can’t go forward. I am exhausted. I have said everything there is to say. You are all amazing, beautiful, and accomplished and I am immensely lucky to know each of you. But, going forward, you will only get an ‘HBD’ message from me. Please know that I have loved getting these birthday texts from you but it has to stop – it’s completely out of control and I can’t do it any more.”

Adrienne – just for reference – is a brilliant storyteller and the woman behind the comment, “I want to be a waist-up Lesbian” which she proclaimed on our Austin weekend together in 2019. I applaud her saying out loud what many of us were thinking for a long time. She is so right – the birthday messages are a lot of pressure and there may be no new sentiments to express. 

We have known each other for almost 40 years and I’m certain our friendships will continue as our kids get married and we eventually become grandparents and senior citizens.  I don’t want to ever stop reminiscing about the boys we chased in college, our drunken escapades and all of the life milestones we have shared with each other. I love this little safety net that mostly exists in short messages but also in person and always when someone needs it most. 

So UCLA ladies, I love you each but I agree with Adrienne. Send a photo, a short video, let AI write a limerick or send me an HBD.  And, if you happen to write something creative and specific on my birthday, I will cherish it. The pressure is officially off!