we need to talk about thank you notes

There is an intergenerational struggle brewing and it’s time to tackle it head on. While I could easily do an exasperated Gen X rant related to my recent, in-person exposure to Gen Z influencers, the issue of thank you notes has got to be addressed immediately. This topic is universally agitating the Boomers causing me and my friends to be stuck in the middle: fielding our parents complaints while nudging our kids to appease them.

A solid portion of the American population has a definitive stance on thank you notes. That position is that when someone receives a gift they should compose a well-worded expression of gratitude (using a pen and their own hand), address and stamp an envelope and then send via USPS to a home address in a timely manner. However, for most people younger than 40, this is an antiquated gesture that can and should easily be replaced with an email, text or nothing at all. 

Personally, I appreciate a hand written, stamped note delivered in a timely manner. I also understand that in a digital world, mailed, written communications are seen as archaic and even annoying – especially considering how many people barely check email and are largely unaffiliated with a physical mailbox. If the occasion arose, I would actively campaign for eliminating delivered mail (other than packages) or, at the very least, reducing delivery to once a week. So, I’m a firm proponent of less mail.

However, I have witnessed friends and family become outraged when they do not receive a proper thank you note. The conversations often go like this:

“Have you gotten a thank you note from —-? I haven’t and I’m wondering what’s going on? Is this a millennial ‘thing’?”

“Someone needs to call (fill in the name of a recent bride) and let her know that this is not OK.”

“I’m not sending them gifts anymore – I never got a thank you note from their wedding. So that’s it.”

“Did you get a card from —-? Mine was pathetic. It came last week – 18 months after I sent the gift – and it was literally one sentence! The handwriting looked like it was written by a toddler!”

As a Gen X’er who got married in the 1990’s, I have written a shit-ton of thank you notes over the last bazillion years. And, not just phoned in boring two-sentence letters. I personalized. I crafted. I was eloquent and funny. I wrote over 400 thank you notes the year we got married and it was tedious – but I got it done. Because I both appreciate a mailed thank you note but also understand that the practice is antiquated and could use an acceptable modern alternative, I am now looking for a middle ground.

It should be noted that not all Millennials and Gen Z’s are opting out of this practice. There are 20-somethings who are producing exceptional expressions of gratitude:

* My daughter has a practice of bringing a well written note with her when she is a house guest and delivering it upon arrival. This is pretty brilliant since it alleviates the need for a stamp or mailbox. This plan really only works when you are a guest in someone’s house as you cannot preemptively write a note for a gift you will receive in the future.

* At a wedding we attended in June, the bride & groom wrote personal notes to each of the 150 guests which was left at each person’s assigned seat at the reception. This extraordinary effort was in addition to writing and sending timely thank you notes for both showers and the bachelorette party.

* Eight years ago at a millennial wedding we attended, the bride and groom spoke about each guest at their rehearsal dinner, focusing on why each attendee was special to them. That trumps any thank you note I’ve ever received. 

These examples show that appreciation & gratitude are not the impediment to delivering heartfelt, intergenerational thank you’s. Based on my experience as a mom of 20-somethings, I believe that the biggest hurdles to traditional thank you notes are handwriting and stamps. My gut instincts also leads me to believe that people in their 20’s live in a very different mindset when compared to their parents’ generation. Thank you notes to younger people are likely the equivalent of using cash, writing checks, watching commercials or printing photos – things they rarely or never do.

Going forward, let’s agree to be OK with being thanked in multiple mediums. Although it would not provide specific gift sentiments, I would be very satisfied with a group email thank you – as long as it has a heartfelt, personal message. For some reason, I prefer email to text for electronic thank you’s but a grammatically correct, individual text would be enough for me. I bet many Boomers would embrace a video message in lieu of a note. Maybe RSVP’s could include a box where you check how you would like to be thanked – hard copy or e-card? Or, invitations could indicate that thank you’s will be sent electronically as a way to manage expectations.

If only I had actually attained my dream job of taking over Andy Rooney’s spot on 60 Minutes, I could tackle this problem on a national level. Since that ship appears to have sailed, I have written the following news parody which I am hoping gets picked up by most national media outlets (or really anywhere):

Woman Unravels in Local Stationary Store, Takes Hostage

Police were called to the Sherman Oaks Galleria yesterday at 2:43 pm in response to a reported hostage incident at the Paper Store. Upon arrival, officers found a 64 year old woman holding a silver letter opener to her 33 year old son’s neck. The incident had apparently escalated very quickly as the woman was overheard asking her son about when the thank you notes from his wedding would be mailed.

“This was an unusual circumstance. Once we assessed the situation, we immediately brought in a hostage negotiator who is trained specifically in wedding-related disputes and started to ask for her demands. She was angry and it was a delicate situation,” commented one of the first responders.

The incident began around 2:15 p.m. when bystanders noticed a woman and her son attempting to select boxed thank you notes. The mother was overhead emphasizing the need for handwritten thank you’s to be sent in a timely manner for all of the wedding gifts he and his new wife received over the last several months. The son was observed rolling his eyes in response to his mother’s comments and saying, “OK Boomer. I am paperless! And, I don’t even know how to address an envelope!” 

Based on reports from the store’s salespeople, the mother, responding to her son’s body language and sarcasm, grabbed him, threw him to the ground and shouted, “I did not raise an entitled millennial! If you can write a Master’s thesis, you can absolutely write 200 thank you notes and be eloquent!” Fortunately, the hostage negotiator was able to diffuse the situation with an iced latte and a calligraphy demonstration. The victim decided not to press charges.

This is a the third in a series of violent clashes in recent weeks where a “mature” woman has become inappropriately physical with one of their younger relatives in a public space. It appears that there is an intergenerational struggle over sending handwritten thank you notes: many people are devoted to what they consider basic, non-negotiable etiquette while others believe the practice is antiquated and should be replaced with more casual texts or emails.

“We sense the tension out there and are trying to meet our customers where they are – if they prefer stationary, we have it” commented the manager of The Paper Store. “Families should not have revert to violence. Change is hard but, if we work together, we can figure out a solution.”